Jokes forum post your jokes or funny website

tallahassee lassie

You are just to much! LMAO
That second one is funny! Harsh! But funny!

The first one is really cute!

Please do stick around.

Thank you Scarlett. I understand. Not to harsh no-more..Always..Marion

No the joke was just fine. I was just commenting on it.

I enjoyed it a lot!

Edited by Scarlett, 14 November 2005 - 11:53 AM.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"


An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun

Love em' all Tally.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

http://www.swarthmore.edu/NatSci/cpurrin1/...ookdisclaimers/

Just read it! You'll love it!

That guys got a sticker for everything!

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

yet another funny one, TL.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight, that
need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing, on the lower half of the form, what remedial action was taken.
Then the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by
Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Good ones tg and multi

Here are some famous commentors on France. ....


France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.

Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

France has usually been governed by prostitutes."



Mark Twain.



......................................................................

..................

"I would rather have a German division in front of me

than a French one behind me."



General George S. Patton.

......................................................................

..................



"Going to war without France is like going deer

hunting without your accordion."



Norman Schwartzkopf. ..........................................





"We can stand here like the French, or we can do

something about it."



Marge Simpson

..................................................................................



"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"



Jacques Chirac, President of France



"Well as far as France is concerned, you're right."



Rush Limbaugh,

............................................................................





"The only time France wants others to go to war is when

the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."



Regis Philbin.

........................................................................................



"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and

not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens

of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and

drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more

stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses

of whisky I don't know."



P.J O'Rourke (1989).

.....................................................................................



"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an

aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to

dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for

it."



John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

........................................................................





"You know why the French didn't want to get Saddam

Hussein?



Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and

wears a beret. He is so French."



Conan O'Brien
..........................................



"I don't know why people are surprised that France

won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all,

France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France

either"



Jay Leno.

.................................................




"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it

came marching into Paris under a German flag."



David Letterman

........................................



Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who

lives in Canada.



Ted Nugent.

...........................................




War without France would be like ... uh ...

World War II.



Tom Brokaw.

..................................



"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that

exerted more of its national will fighting against

DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"


Dennis Miller.

.........................................



"It is important to remember that the French have

always been there when they needed us."



Alan Kent

...............................................



"They've taken their own precautions against

al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is

urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day

supply of mistresses in the house."



Argus Hamilton

..............................................



"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle

that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the

description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"



Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

.......................................



"The French will only agree to go support the war when we've

proven we've found truffles in Iraq."



Dennis Miller

.............................................................



Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise

both hands if you are French.



Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army

as they entered the city in WWII?



A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

.........................................................



"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend

Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."



Rep. R. Blount (MO)

..................................................



"Do you know it only took Germany three days to

conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was

raining."



John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

........................................................................



The AP and UPI reported that the French Government

announced after the London bombings that it has raised

its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two

higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire

which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

disabling their military capability.

...........................................................................

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney


(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003




The French Government announced today that it is

imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.



The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks

display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of

Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army

garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Hope this is within the guidelines

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He! paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest,
who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in."

toolman

Yesterday I saw a video cassette that showed you how to repair your VCR.



Give it a few minutes, it'll click.