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Men VS Women


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#1 Notorious

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Posted 20 January 2005 - 01:51 PM

That's because they never listen to their wives..

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Coca Cola and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

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#2 tg1911

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Posted 20 January 2005 - 02:29 PM

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
MOBO: GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P, CPU: Phenom II X4 955 Deneb BE, HS/F: CoolerMaster V8, RAM: 2 x 1G Kingston HyperX DDR2 800, VGA: ECS GeForce Black GTX 560, PSU: Antec TruePower Modular 750W, Soundcard: Asus Xonar D1, Case: CoolerMaster COSMOS 1000, Storage: Internal - 2 x Seagate 250GB SATA, 2 x WD 1TB SATA; External - Seagate 500GB USB, WD 640GB eSATA, 3 x WD 1TB eSATA

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#3 TexasAngel67

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Posted 20 January 2005 - 02:44 PM

omg TG! OUCH!

Man: "Dear God, why did you make women so pretty?"
God: "So you would fall in love with them."
Man: "Dear God, why did you make women so kind?"
God: "So others would fall in love with them."
Man: "But God, why did you make them so dumb?"
God: "So they would fall in love with you."

Whoever thinks women are dumb should see a
man on a cell phone while driving. But God at least
made us dumb enough to fall in love with men so
they can kill bugs and spiders, replace light bulbs, and
reach the top cabinets. :thumbsup:

#4 tg1911

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Posted 20 January 2005 - 03:07 PM

:flowers: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me." :thumbsup:
MOBO: GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P, CPU: Phenom II X4 955 Deneb BE, HS/F: CoolerMaster V8, RAM: 2 x 1G Kingston HyperX DDR2 800, VGA: ECS GeForce Black GTX 560, PSU: Antec TruePower Modular 750W, Soundcard: Asus Xonar D1, Case: CoolerMaster COSMOS 1000, Storage: Internal - 2 x Seagate 250GB SATA, 2 x WD 1TB SATA; External - Seagate 500GB USB, WD 640GB eSATA, 3 x WD 1TB eSATA

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#5 Scarlett

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Posted 20 January 2005 - 03:13 PM

Perspective
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."



Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory :flowers: :thumbsup:

Edited by scarlett, 20 January 2005 - 03:17 PM.

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#6 tg1911

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Posted 21 January 2005 - 09:31 AM

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted." .
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
MOBO: GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P, CPU: Phenom II X4 955 Deneb BE, HS/F: CoolerMaster V8, RAM: 2 x 1G Kingston HyperX DDR2 800, VGA: ECS GeForce Black GTX 560, PSU: Antec TruePower Modular 750W, Soundcard: Asus Xonar D1, Case: CoolerMaster COSMOS 1000, Storage: Internal - 2 x Seagate 250GB SATA, 2 x WD 1TB SATA; External - Seagate 500GB USB, WD 640GB eSATA, 3 x WD 1TB eSATA

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#7 nmdamgud

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Posted 21 January 2005 - 10:45 AM

and out of those hundred...probly 99 were willing to GO!!!

:flowers: :thumbsup:

#8 Notorious

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Posted 21 January 2005 - 11:26 AM

:trumpet: :thumbsup: :inlove: And.. I just read that ad someplace..

Alcoholic, smoker, gambler, into head games. Looking for hard working woman to cut the grass. Bring the gasoline.. :flowers:



Mod Edit: Offensive content removed.

Edited by scarlett, 24 January 2005 - 03:05 PM.

Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#9 tg1911

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Posted 21 January 2005 - 02:12 PM

Women will never be equal to men until:
They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
MOBO: GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P, CPU: Phenom II X4 955 Deneb BE, HS/F: CoolerMaster V8, RAM: 2 x 1G Kingston HyperX DDR2 800, VGA: ECS GeForce Black GTX 560, PSU: Antec TruePower Modular 750W, Soundcard: Asus Xonar D1, Case: CoolerMaster COSMOS 1000, Storage: Internal - 2 x Seagate 250GB SATA, 2 x WD 1TB SATA; External - Seagate 500GB USB, WD 640GB eSATA, 3 x WD 1TB eSATA

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#10 Notorious

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 06:51 AM

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when saturated with alcohol

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation; sure beats a hand.

3. Very effective cleaning agent. Purer specimens cooks as well.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

Even then, to be handled with extreme care.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
:thumbsup:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#11 meeeeeee

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 08:23 AM

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

:thumbsup:
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#12 Notorious

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 08:35 AM

Five reasons to believe computers are female..

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.

3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.

4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. :flowers: :thumbsup:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#13 Pandy

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 10:50 AM

Common Uses

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation; sure beats a hand.

Posted Image
Talk to the hand :thumbsup: tehe

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance-particularly in the
Jewelry and flower applications, which operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. He then installed
undesirable programs like NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problems, but
to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package
only, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the
command "http:I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2, and Guilt 3.0
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But, remember, over-use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 IS A VERY BAD PROGRAM that will
download and install the Snoring Loudly Beta.


Whatever you do, DO NOT INSTALL Mother-in Law 1.0. (it runs a virus in the
background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0. This is
an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7


Good Luck~ Tech Support

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

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#14 meeeeeee

meeeeeee

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 10:57 AM

Also, do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0. This is
an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

What if we use a hidden partition?

:thumbsup:
Knowledge is the most powerful weapon.

http://pcbizowner.com

If I have helped you please pass along the good deed to someone else. If you would like to donate then I thank you also.

#15 Pandy

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Posted 23 January 2005 - 11:01 AM

:flowers: Then it is a GO! :thumbsup:

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?

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