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The Funny Bone Take 2


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#1 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 03:54 PM

Hello All :cool:

Welcome to The Funny Bone Take 2!

We all need a good :flowers: now and again.

So please post any jokes here, that you would like to share :thumbsup: with everyone.

The only guidelines are that they should be funny :) and above all family friendly. :trumpet:

Ok,.... so lets have some fun!
:inlove:

Link to the former "Funny Bone"

Edited by Scarlett, 02 February 2007 - 03:58 PM.

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#2 KoanYorel

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 04:12 PM

Hmmm, lemme think...
I used to know a joke.

What's red, white and blue and burned everywhere?

[Candles - bet you thought I was looking for a USA Flag tho'.]
The only easy day was yesterday.

...some do, some don't; some will, some won't (WR)

#3 tink536

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 08:53 PM

Some goofy ones :thumbsup:

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(scroll down)




(brace yourself)





(this is going to hurt.)






(really bad.)



"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


**

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)




(its a real treat)




(a masterpiece)




(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

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#4 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 09:05 PM

LMBO :thumbsup: :flowers: :trumpet: Tink you are so fun!
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#5 tink536

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 09:06 PM

Thought those were cute & funny! :thumbsup:

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#6 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 09:11 PM

They are! And I am so glad you have found your way to the new Funny Bone. :thumbsup:
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#7 tink536

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Posted 02 February 2007 - 09:20 PM

At first I thought we made a boo boo in the other one when I saw it was closed. But. reading on, saw that a new one was open. :thumbsup:

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#8 DSTM

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Posted 03 February 2007 - 05:31 AM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blond woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."















#9 tink536

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Posted 03 February 2007 - 06:32 AM

:thumbsup: :flowers:

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#10 tg1911

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Posted 03 February 2007 - 06:44 AM

I think I would have come to the same conclusion, DSTM. :thumbsup:

Edited by tg1911, 03 February 2007 - 06:45 AM.

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#11 tink536

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Posted 03 February 2007 - 06:55 AM

Thought this was funny, although it doesn't apply to me (well, my age group) until the end :thumbsup:

People over 30 should be dead. Here's why .
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70ís probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes..
After running into the bushes a few times , we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on .
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers , or Internet chat rooms .
We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt .
We fell out of trees , got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!!!!!
People under 30 are WIMPS

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#12 DSTM

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Posted 03 February 2007 - 02:49 PM

How true tink536,I was a kid growing up in the 40's and I survived,and have great memories. :thumbsup:
Things were simple then,and I wonder whether kids are realy better off growing up today.Maybe a topic for Chat. :flowers:















#13 DSTM

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Posted 04 February 2007 - 08:04 AM

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.















#14 tg1911

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Posted 04 February 2007 - 11:06 AM

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
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#15 DSTM

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Posted 04 February 2007 - 11:18 AM

I like that one tg1911,So clever. :thumbsup:


















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