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Christmas With Louise

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#1 LoLucky


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Posted 30 December 2004 - 03:01 PM

This is a post in another forum, that i thought was amusing. but its not a joke so i put it in its own thread.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult store downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store...be prepared...or you will confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Wow!" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

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#2 LoLucky

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Posted 30 December 2004 - 03:03 PM

This is my reply to the above post because i always seem to make useless Posts!

Thank God (worked over at Johnson & Johnson during WWII) for the Wonder Drug Duct Tape (Duck Tape)

I think they should do an autopsy! Because upon further inspection they might find what I have figured out.

The cat did it! It’s so obvious the cat punctured a hole in the little toe of the "doll". Then because the cat knew it would get in trouble made a small trap for the dog. The cat positioned a stick of some sort in the fire like a teeter-totter. Then coaxed the dog to try and jump at the cat. The dog being much bigger missed the cat (who jumped out of way) and landed some of its body on the stick. The stick then picked up a small hot ember and launched it at the already deflating "doll", causing the air to come out more rapidly. Hence launching the "doll" in the air. The cat knowing physics, knew this would happen and when it jumped out of dogs way ran over by table and acted to be scared by the commotion and then screamed.

Man do I miss the game Clue!

#3 phawgg


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Posted 30 December 2004 - 03:24 PM

I'm one that auto-suspects the BUTLER. I mean, whats he doin' there? oh, ya' say he's not there? :thumbsup:
patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

#4 Bulldog


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Posted 30 December 2004 - 04:08 PM

In reagrds to your Family Christmas Story:

:inlove: :flowers: ........ :thumbsup: :cool: .....ohhh mann.....(Laughing Hystericaly Continously) I mean we call our Christmas get togethers with good ol' Grandma "The Grisdwald's Christmas" (National Lampoon's)....but thats..... :trumpet: ......thats bad.....passing out.... to funny.... :)

"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." - Abe Lincoln

#5 LoLucky

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Posted 30 December 2004 - 04:28 PM

Bulldog glad ya liked it i agree was funny i like the grandfather!
rememeber tho its not my Family i found that post on another board i post to.

Hmm... the Butler

HAPPY NEW YEARS ALL! I'm out till Monday!

#6 JackTheHaack


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Posted 31 December 2004 - 11:41 PM

That is soooo :trumpet:

I'm with phawgg on this one though.....the Butler.

You see, he's been so busy attending to his employers over the Christmas period that he ain't had a chance with Mrs Butler (nod nod, wink wink). So he's figured that while they are all munching on their Christmas fayre he's in with a chance with Louise..........Yeee Haaaa !!
:inlove: :thumbsup: :flowers:

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