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DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF T


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#1 Notorious

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Posted 13 December 2004 - 03:13 PM

To the imperialist British colonizers
DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA:

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bleeping about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: Regarding WWII: You're Welcome.

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
__________________
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

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#2 Mr Alpha

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Posted 13 December 2004 - 03:34 PM

What? Are you trying to claim that Americans and British speak the same language?

Oh, and what about the British private schools, i.e. schools administered by local or national government?

:thumbsup:
"Anyone who cannot form a community with others, or who does not need to because he is self-sufficient [...] is either a beast or a god." Aristotle
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#3 Notorious

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Posted 13 December 2004 - 04:07 PM

:) :thumbsup: This post was just removed from other forum I'm joining... "I am fully aware that this very old joke is indeed a joke, but it has a tendency to cause political friction." :trumpet: B) :inlove: :P Those people wouldn't recognize a joke if they fell over it.. :flowers: What a dull bunch. I'm leaving them... :cool:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#4 phawgg

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Posted 13 December 2004 - 05:44 PM

I enjoyed it. I'm considering the impact upon both Americas when Microsoft assimilates us. Mandatory terminology changes implemented. Start-to-stop buttons throughout all industrial and consumer items manufactured after Annexation Day. Windows will no longer be allowed to display curtains, drapery or blinds. Neon lighting, message boxes & blue will be acceptable, however throughout the Microsoff/English speaking world. Wallpapering the Windows will continue ad nauseum. Christmas Lights & fake snow may be debated for a while yet. Iron grating and silver tape lining for security will be updated frequently to fool those looking in or out of Windows for any reason at all.

I'm certain periodic inexplicable events will be logged and shuffled, and dealt with in much the same way as presently in casinos. Social Security & Health programs will be replaced with Smart Cards and Microsoft Help & Support Centers in all major urban centers. Updates will be issued frequently from Parliment & Congress as well as the Redmond Capital of the knowin' World. IT will supercede all military organizations & scientific bodies. IT Pentagon, ITNato, ITNasa, ITArmy, ITNavy, ITAirForce, ITCoastGaurd & ITMarines will hold joint manuevers under the auspices of ITUN. iTunes will be outlawed.
patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

#5 MadameX

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 03:36 AM

This thread is absolutely hilarious!

I am rolling with laughter!



:) :thumbsup: :P :cool: B) :trumpet: :inlove: :flowers:

Deb

#6 Notorious

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 03:49 AM

This thread is absolutely hilarious!

I am rolling with laughter!



B) :thumbsup: :) :P :spam: :cool: :) :inlove:

Deb

When I read it, I got pain in my ribs from loughter.. :flowers: *We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies". * :trumpet:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#7 phawgg

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 04:16 AM

You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional.

This should be no problem. Online degrees to follow basic graduation, I presume? I'm well on my way towards this requirement becoming familiar with 15 or 20,000 files typically found racing around my machine. I've noticed quite a few that just sit there to make all my scans take longer, too. Yup, gettin to know the new kids in the hard drive. Wasn't too long ago that an up date was dinner & dancing... maybe a moonlight drive. Now it's an opportunity to meet new files. I'm particularly taken with the 14 random letter program names and their alien-pronunciation executable files. Such happily dysfunctional family units. Such a shame they delete without qualifying for a refund of the cleaning deposit. Then again, I still recall some mornings-after those up dates when functioning was ah... disoriented.
Dysfunction or dat one, my choice at the keyboard. :thumbsup:

Assimilation Ahead. Forward, March.
patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

#8 luci2a

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 06:06 AM

Ooh... I love this thread (speaking as one ready for assimilation)

Just to clarify (or not) some possible misconceptions about our education system.

Public schools are private, and run by boards of governors. Not state governors, as we don't have states, but generally crusty old men who have not seen the inside of a school for half a century or more. Since public schools are very expensive, most of the public cannot afford them.

State schools are public, run by the local education authorities, not by the state, or states if we had them. At secondary level, they either run from age 11 to 18, or 11 to 16, in which case the student moves on to 6th form college from 16 to 18. This is not to be confused with college, which is a term used indiscriminately to cover all forms of what we call tertiary education, ranging from secretarial college to our very own Ivy League universities known collectively as Oxbridge.

City academies are state schools run by big business.

Primary schooling runs from age 5 to 11, and is free.

Preparatory schooling runs from age 5 to 11 for girls, and is not free. With boys it runs from 5 to 13, or sometimes 7 to 13. At 7 some children are packed off to boarding school, where they endure great hardship until they emerge at 18. In the "old days" they then went on to join the army, which was said to be much easier.

Some districts, or boroughs, have middle schools, which run from 8 to 11, in which case the primary schooling runs from 5 to 8.

High school can mean a public (ie private) school running from 5 to 18, or it can mean a state (ie public) school running from 11 to 18.

President Blair has recently decreed that the top universities must give preference to the applicants from the schools with the worst academic record, otherwise he will stop their pocket money.

I hope this had cleared it up for you all.

:thumbsup:

Luci2a

Edited by luci2a, 14 December 2004 - 06:12 AM.


#9 Mr Alpha

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 08:59 AM

I rest my case.
"Anyone who cannot form a community with others, or who does not need to because he is self-sufficient [...] is either a beast or a god." Aristotle
Intel Core 2 Quad | XFX 780i SLI | 8GB Corsair | Gigabyte GeForce 8800GTX | Auzentech X-Fi Prelude| Logitech G15 | Logitech MX Revolution | LG Flatron L2000C | Logitech Z-5500 Digital

#10 luci2a

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 10:26 AM

When the revolution comes, I hope I do as well in the American History test as my mother-in-law when she got her US papers. When asked who was the President of the USA she answered quite correctly Bill Clinton.
...and the "Vice" President ....Monica Lewinsky.

Bless her, and English of any variety isn't even her first language.

Luci2a :thumbsup:


(sorry if it's an old one - we'd never heard it over here) :flowers:

Edited by luci2a, 14 December 2004 - 10:41 AM.


#11 jgweed

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 10:44 AM

I suggest the United States apply for re-admission to the Commonwealth. We made a huge mistake in revolting, and should own up to it.
Cheers,
John
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one should be silent.

#12 Notorious

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 11:26 AM

When asked who was the President of the USA she answered quite correctly Bill Clinton.
...and the "Vice" President ....Monica Lewinsky.

LOL.. :thumbsup: :flowers:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#13 nmdamgud

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 06:51 PM

i'm not sure which i like better...that, or the bumper sticker i saw, in the midst of the scandal:


IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT AND HER HUSBAND!!!


#14 phawgg

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 07:22 PM

Amid the third recount of the gubernatorial votes here in Washington, a "privately funded" one publicized as costing the Democratic Party $750,000.00, a Democratic Party leader was quoted as saying "The Party Lacks Direction" in a local headline. Well, what can you say when their "most likely to lead in 2008" Presidential candidate is New York Senator Hillary Clinton? :flowers: "The Party Sucks? On what exactly do they pin their hopes & dreams and perception of her superior qualifications? Acceptance of Uncomfortable Reality...Determination to Save Face... The New Deal In Marriages... Tolerance...Understanding of the Positions of World Leaders...Simply It's Time for a Female President... or maybe Just Because?

with all due apologies to capable women who can lead, so can men. Dancing is a good example IMHO. Please don't forget that I too have admired many Democratic leaders, before I'm lambasted too seriously, OK? :thumbsup:

Edited by phawgg, 14 December 2004 - 07:33 PM.

patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

#15 KoanYorel

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Posted 14 December 2004 - 09:52 PM

Very funny piece - thanks for sharing with us.


...admired many Democratic leaders...


I believe this is a double oxymoron... :thumbsup:
The only easy day was yesterday.

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