The OP doesn't want 'help'. He just wants a place where he can 'whinge' to his heart's content. He appears to have carefully 'manufactured' an impossible, no-win situation.
This ain't the place, matey-boy.
We can't reach through our monitors to fix this computer, the OP will have to follow instructions provided, of which there's been plenty, take it to a competent shop to get an estimate on repair, then decide if it's worth the repair or waive the white flag in surrender.
I have a notebook now that can only use it's soldered to MB stick (4GB), on a Intel quad core i7-3635QM (4 cores, 8 threads) & know that a new MB is the only solution (have tried the guitar pick trick to no avail). Believe for the first time ever, have transmitted static to the area when swapping the HDD. Am I crying? No, although have questions about the notebook that I'll create my own Topic over.
Finally, one doesn't need 'Google Glass' to find manuals for a given make/model computer teardown, as well as probable YouTube videos w/full instruction for a walkthrough, which has made the day for myself more times than I can count. While we can advise anyone what to do, we can't think for any member, there's times when we have to look outside of the box to find the solution we need & Google has many for most all modern & older computers. If one doesn't have the time to experiment, then stop whining & forget the computer, buy a new(er) one & don't allow folks that doesn't know what they're doing to lay hands on it. There's many computer 'shops' in homes & backyard buildings, while many does know what's up, there's another 25-35% that has no clue & another 10-15% that'll mess up a computer by not checking compatibility nor performing needed steps in the UEFI before install. The result being a semi-bricked computer. Not fully bricked, although one has to weigh the costs of repair versus a replacement. Spending $350+ on a 4-5 year old sub-$1,000 notebook that sells on eBay today for $200 or less isn't a good move, unless one's that attached to the computer. Only you can decide that, if needed.
In closing, if your computer is self-repairable (firmware may need reprogramming, as I've stated no less than three times), you must stop complaining & create a course of action. Obviously you have another computer to research on, so there's little reason why you cannot obtain proper instruction for teardown, or at minimum, remove bottom cover to attempt the tasks asked of you. We can lead you all over the place, yet we cannot force you to take action, that part rests on your shoulders.