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#1 rotor123

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 09:12 AM

You may have seen these elsewhere, however, Just in case.
 

Pet diaries

The dog’s diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The cat's diary

Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
__________________

 

Givuing Your pet a pill

 

How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air


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#2 Darktune

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 09:22 AM

That is great!

 

Showing how dogs are better house pets than cats ;)


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#3 Elec-1

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 09:39 AM

II think I've seen the pill one before but not the diary one.

 

Cats are jerks. We love 'em anyway, though :)


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#4 Animal

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 11:57 AM

Hmmmmmmmm........ So what is it you're all trying to say?

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#5 the_patriot11

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 11:32 PM

Hey, who let animal out of his cage?

picard5.jpg

 

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#6 thelittleduck

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 01:10 AM

Hey, who let animal out of his cage?

 

The same people who let the dogs out.



#7 g.k.

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 02:42 PM

Hey, speaking of cats...

 

My university is famous for its cats over here. They're everywhere, and I mean it. There's even an in-joke about cats attending classes more regularly than us pupils  :lol: As a rough guess I'd say there are more than 200. You'll see 20-30 just near the entrance door every morning and 20-30 more around the political sciences building, where people leave food.

 

I was thinking people were exaggarating before, but I realized they were being literal when during my very first class, a cat just decided to casually enter the classroom, sit on the lap of another pupil for a few minutes, then just leave. And the older students were just cool with it. Oh hey, did I mention that the classroom was on the 4th floor?

 

There's only one downside: You can't eat anything outside without being surrounded by a battalion, and they're even infiltrating the dining hall  :lol:



#8 Animal

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 04:22 PM

directcontrolassumed.jpg

The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
Andrew Brown (1938-1994)


A learning experience is one of those things that say, "You know that thing you just did? Don't do that." Douglas Adams (1952-2001)


"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination circles the world." Albert Einstein (1879-1955)


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#9 g.k.

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 01:37 AM

It's like that :) I'm convinced that the university was actually built for the cats and us humans are just an excuse to pet them and feed them :)

#10 Darktune

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 05:09 AM

I work in an arts Centre and before my time we had an "office cat". It roamed around where ever it wanted. It roamed through the cinemas and sat on peoples laps.

 

The cat was also part of a tradition that if it sat on your lap in an interview you got the job!


It's very hard to imagine all the crazy things that things really are like. 

Electrons act like waves.. no they don't exactly, they act like particles.. no they don't exactly.

Words and ideas can change the world.


#11 battyhippie

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Posted 18 November 2013 - 08:36 PM

My cats do not let me forget that they were worshipped in Egypt as gods ...






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