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British Humor


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#1 GB2064

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 01:32 PM

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastxxx.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Children are Quick:

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

 

 



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#2 ddeerrff

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 08:20 PM

I was going to say "British Humor, isn't that an oxymoron?"  But some of those were pretty funny :)


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#3 yabbadoo

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Posted 09 August 2013 - 11:24 AM

Real gut-wrenching, unexpurgated British humour died with Bernard Manning. RIP Bernard. If there is an afterlife, I bet you've got `em all peeing their pants laffing.

 

Bernard-Manning_zpsd277a597.jpg


Edited by yabbadoo, 09 August 2013 - 12:51 PM.


#4 ~Kal~

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Posted 09 August 2013 - 06:06 PM

Bernard Manning? I take it you've never heard or seen any proper Britsh comedy then. Bernard manning was about as funny as a boil on the bum. So I have to assume your comment was a perfect example of British sarcasm, in which case - that was actually quite funny!

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Please bear in mind I'm in the UK so our timezones may not always sync.
If I'm helping you and haven't replied within 24 hrs please send me a pm

#5 yabbadoo

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Posted 09 August 2013 - 06:54 PM

Bernard Manning? I take it you've never heard or seen any proper Britsh comedy then. Bernard manning was about as funny as a boil on the bum. So I have to assume your comment was a perfect example of British sarcasm, in which case - that was actually quite funny!

Kal

Everything I said about Bernard Manning is complementary to one of the best comics Britain has ever had.

 

His superb style and delivery to a very large section of the British public can only be relegated into insignificance by your own complete lack of appreciation and snide remarks.

 

Yes, Bernard had his critics and obviously you are one of them,  but he also had an enormous following who enjoyed every second of his talent.

 

I have no wish to argue with you on the merits of a great British artist who brought laughter into our dreary lives  - I loved him - you did not - so who wins ?


Edited by yabbadoo, 10 August 2013 - 03:08 AM.





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