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Warning for DIY ers


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#1 Brewster Down Under

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 12:55 AM

Just recieved an email we all know to well so I thought I would share.
Maybe some one knows some others :flowers:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, bleep!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F$#KING THING' TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F$#king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

:thumbsup:
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#2 sickass

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 01:43 PM

LMAO

#3 DeathStalker

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 11:13 PM

That list is SO old. The sad thing is that it is so TRUE that it is funny every time I read it. I think Ihave used every tool on that list and achieved the exact same results as described. It alway brings back memories that while at the time they happened weren't funny, are recalled as amusing when reading that list. For instance:

WHile concrete won't burn, I found out while cutting unnecessary anchor bolts flush with (the goal was below) the concrete that it WILL when super heated "pop." A "pop" is a small scale explosion of super heated concrete which showers your body with bits of concrete and molten slag, usually around the face and arm areas. The hands of course covered in leather gloves and the eyes with goggle, but any self respecting piece of super heated concrete or molten slag merely sneers at trivial things like long sleeve shirts, or pants when on it's way to searing itself permanently in to your skin.

As to the "add to it" part. I have seen other "tool definitions" added to that list but for the life of me can't remember them.

Thanks for the grin.

#4 didu007

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Posted 01 May 2010 - 04:32 PM

I have not seen that list before. It sums up my tool box to a tee. :thumbsup:

#5 the_patriot11

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Posted 01 May 2010 - 09:02 PM

That list is SO old. The sad thing is that it is so TRUE that it is funny every time I read it. I think Ihave used every tool on that list and achieved the exact same results as described. It alway brings back memories that while at the time they happened weren't funny, are recalled as amusing when reading that list. For instance:

WHile concrete won't burn, I found out while cutting unnecessary anchor bolts flush with (the goal was below) the concrete that it WILL when super heated "pop." A "pop" is a small scale explosion of super heated concrete which showers your body with bits of concrete and molten slag, usually around the face and arm areas. The hands of course covered in leather gloves and the eyes with goggle, but any self respecting piece of super heated concrete or molten slag merely sneers at trivial things like long sleeve shirts, or pants when on it's way to searing itself permanently in to your skin.

As to the "add to it" part. I have seen other "tool definitions" added to that list but for the life of me can't remember them.

Thanks for the grin.


apply enough heat and it will be a lo more then just "pop" I do recall my dad telling me about the time his dad tried to burn a large pile of trash on a big slab of concrete . . .

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#6 DeathStalker

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Posted 03 May 2010 - 09:24 PM

LOL I'll bet it was a lot of fun. Shrapnel everywhere. But it didn't "burn" did it? :thumbsup:

#7 keyboardNinja

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Posted 03 May 2010 - 11:34 PM

Wow...that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time... :thumbsup:

Thanks for the laugh. :flowers:
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#8 marktreg

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Posted 14 May 2010 - 04:23 AM

LOL. That's a funny list. I'm going to send it to a friend of mine who's a keen DIYer. :thumbsup:

#9 shadowsaid

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Posted 18 July 2010 - 08:14 PM

LOL - I know I've done my share of that list.

#10 RexB

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Posted 28 July 2010 - 02:59 AM

'F$#KING THING' TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F$#king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


So, so, true..

#11 delldummy

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Posted 09 December 2010 - 09:46 PM

yeah, buddy!

Late reply but this made me laugh so hard, I just had to add one of personal experience.

Reciprocating Saw
An instrument used to identify the circuit breaker of an electrical outlet in the segment of wall you are attempting to cut into.




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