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The Epic Of Trelane


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#1 Andrew

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Posted 21 April 2008 - 10:11 PM

In ages past, from time immemorial, comes the story of Trelane.

As men were apt to do,
as women are stereotypically not apt to do,
Trelane, Mage of Walnut Street, embarked on a journey to the land on CPUPCB.

The residents and neighbors of Walnut Street gathered at the corner of HazelNut to bid their hero, their Mage and guardian, farewell and safe journey.

They were happy, but feared for their beloved Trelane. For it was not a fortnight since Bob, Wizard of Peach Road had perished in an encounter with the dreaded Unleashed Doberman of Baker Street while journeying to the 7-11.

Trelane, however, ever intrepid and inventive, was not afraid. For, in his wisdom, had prepared for every contingency, or so he thought.

And so it was that on the last Thursday in June that Trelane departed from Walnut Street, and embarked on his Journey to the land of CPUPCB.

Many cold and perilous days and nights passed. Days filled with thrilling adventures and gripping drama that would make for a truly great story.

Unfortunately, Trelane sold the rights to those stories to MGM who plan on making a blockbuster action movie based on them called Savage Kernel: The Story of Trelane.

So, here's the story of Bill, instead.

Bill, Purveyor of Insurance Policies, was challenged one day by a most perplexing problem. It seems that his magical oracle was malfuntioning and he could no longer communicate with his brother, Tim the Assistant Accountant. This perplexesd Bill for some time and he saught the counsel of Alice, Sourceress of A&T Electronics Warehouse on 34th Avenue and Pacific Street.

Alice peered at Bill's oracle, and noted with a gruff gesture that it was displaying the dreaded Blue Mist of Mortality.

Gravely, she turned to Bill and pronounced,

"Verily, this Oracle has been cursed. Do you use a AntiCurse spell?"

Bewildered, Bill responded,

"Surely, such cannot be! I am always cautious when I use my Oracle. I only ever use it to communicate to my brother!"

Alice, her head buried deepin in the Oracle scoffed at Bill and demanded, "Don't call me Shirley, weirdo!". For she had found his Oracle History, and verily it was a dark and lamentable catalogue of human lust.

"Prithee," said she, "what is this?" pointing to a rather naughty entry in the Oracle History. "And this, and these..." continuing to expose Bill's infatuation with certain forms of art from the far east that could be described only as "bizzare".


"Enough!" cried Bill. "It is true that I sometimes engage in unwholesomeness with my Oracle, but how does that relate to it's sudden demise?!"

Alice nodded and spake unto him: "Lament, for your Oracle has lost its magic; it has been cursed. But take heart for there is another magic which can be bestowed upon the ruins of your Oracle, a magic which is immune to most all curses."

Bill, barely able to contain his emotion cried softly and asked, "would you, could you give me this Magic? Would you restore my Oracle? And woulod you do so for a reasonable fee?"

Alice took pity on him and produced from within her tunic, a small silver platter incribed with mystic runes. Bill recognized the platter as a device for containing magic spells and incantions, or for holding vast amounts of music and movies.

Alice moved towards the defunct Oracle and placed the magical platter within it.

Instantly, the Oracle came to life, whooshing and whirring with activity.

Alice seemed to be lost in concentration and began to murmur in low tones a strange incantation:

"root (hd1,0)
kernel /vmlinuz root=/dev/hdb1"

Over and over she chanted this strange and powerful phrase. Slowly becoming lounder and louder until she was shouting it at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly, in a brilliant flash, the Oracle blazed to life as if on fire. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled from out the Oracle. The Earth shook as if in defiance of the power she had unleashed. Then all was silent. The Oracle seemed to have gone dark, and all that it showed was a small, pulsating line. Seemingly waiting. Waiting, but for what?

Alice gazed deeply at the line. And spoke softly another magical incantation:

"startx"

As soon as the worlds had left her lips, the Oracle begain to quiver and flicker. Then, as though some magic switch had been thrown, the Oracle popped and a familiar image came into view. The Oracle was working again!

As Bill began to realize the momentous event that had occurred, Alice turned to him and said,

"That'll be $70, please."

Not even thinking, Bill drew the money from his wallet and thanked her.

As she was leaving, he gathered enough of his wits to ask,

"What magic is this? Who created it?"

Alice turned to him and said,

"The origin of this magic goes back far, almost to the time before Oracles existed. It is called Xinu. The spell I used today was built on top of the power of Xinu, and it is called Xinul, created by the Wizard of the North."

And without another word, she left. And Bill, ever the pervert, returned to his Oracle.

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