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#1 KoanYorel

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 05:44 AM

(This item purloined from another web site.)

* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.

* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.

* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a Trojan horse opens a back-door for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.

* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.

* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.

* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.

* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I'm working on it.

* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t- shirts. If you see one, beat him up.

* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.

* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.

* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.

* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98/95.

* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don't CRAP where you eat.

* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.

* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the INTERNET. Oh... too late.

* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an "air gap" between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.

* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.

* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn't mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.

* One day, a malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton Anti-Virus probably won't protect you from that. I don't know about McAfee.

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

*Now go run your scans! (This piece may be embedded with a ....)

:thumbsup: (Now smile or the Web Cops will come for you!)

Edited by Papakid, 09 July 2004 - 07:42 AM.

The only easy day was yesterday.

...some do, some don't; some will, some won't (WR)

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#2 Jaspossum

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 09:43 PM

:) :cool: B) :thumbsup: :P :trumpet: :inlove: :flowers: Funny stuff!
JASPOSSUM

#3 phawgg

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Posted 13 July 2004 - 03:09 AM

'preciated the purloinin' :thumbsup:
patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

#4 Ataryu

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Posted 13 July 2004 - 06:31 AM

"Nobody loves you"


Hahaha, funny stuff ;)

#5 Scarlett

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Posted 04 April 2005 - 06:52 PM

:thumbsup: I can't believe I did not see this back when it was posted.

:flowers:


* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t- shirts. If you see one, beat him up.


They are all great. But this one is my favorite. :trumpet:
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#6 MadameX

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Posted 04 April 2005 - 08:30 PM

Oh this is absolutely hilarious!

Thanks, Koan! :thumbsup: :flowers: :trumpet:

#7 Notorious

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Posted 05 April 2005 - 12:24 PM

* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets.

I'm running Windows PGV (Pretty Good Version) Got myself couple of new hamsters and my putter runs (literary) like charm.. B) :flowers: :inlove: :cool:

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

I disabled all my scanners, gave my email addy to most notorious spammers, and whadaya think?.. They bounced all my mails.. Now I'm sure nobody loves me.. :trumpet: :) :P :thumbsup:
Posted Image

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

#8 SaxonManFinland

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Posted 05 April 2005 - 03:18 PM

:trumpet: :inlove: :cool: :) :thumbsup:

Cant stop laughing!! Bet You never had a BBC B+Micro then. Internet???? With 8Meg you couldnt get colour, OK you could have Black, White and maybe Green.

QUESTION If the USA and the UK can declare war on a foreign country because they suspect W.O.M.D, which didn't exist, WHAT are they doing about the A Holes who F Up so many companies and kids Computers??????? They DO KNOW they exist.............

Well maybe Viruses do not have any OIL :flowers:




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