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History revisited, or

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#1 ddeerrff



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Posted 08 February 2005 - 01:27 PM

The World According To Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I
have pasted together the following "history", of the world from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout
the United States, from eighth grade throughout college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of
mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought his
twelve sons up to be, patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives
and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says the mother of Achilles dipped
him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in
"The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope
was the last hardship that Ulysses encountered on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna
Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer cf the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was
an age of great inventions and discovertes. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walther Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented
cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". They her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money, and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe. Later, the Pilgrims
crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down
the hill rolling on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter
of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels throught the
post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and peacocks
crowing. Finally, the Colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. Me invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the united States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said, in onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-
Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law
and odor.

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#2 TexasAngel67


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Posted 08 February 2005 - 02:38 PM

That was wonderful! Thanks for sharing.
It tickled me pink. You have a great day!


P.S. 500 porcupines? Mount Cyanide? Bread without Straw?
Overdose from wedlock? (changing my divorce papers, as
we speak, lol), Another Homer? Grew boobs on their necks?
Franklin is still dead? Law and odor?
P.S.S. I could go on forever but my fingers can't stop laughing!
:thumbsup: :flowers:

#3 phawgg


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Posted 09 February 2005 - 12:01 PM

Who said hindsight is always clearest ?
Funny stuff and thanks for the chuckles, ddeerrff
patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...

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