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Heard A Good One Lately?


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#1 dc3

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 11:19 PM

We are in the dog days of August with the east coast melting and I thought we could all do with a little good humor, so please feel free to contribute your favorite jokes in this thread. I'll start this off with an observation sent to me by a neighbor this morning.

Edit: Can anyone tell me why we refer to this time of year as the dog days without googling for the answer?


Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the
edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
Front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's
why they call it "fur"niture. )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Edited by dc3, 13 August 2007 - 11:22 PM.

Family and loved ones will always be a priority in my daily life.  You never know when one will leave you.

 

 

 

 


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#2 DSTM

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 11:47 PM

How True. :thumbsup:

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. b*******!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously r******ed.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .















#3 tg1911

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:14 AM

Since we already have a topic for jokes, The Funny Bone Take 2, I'm going to close this thread.

Feel free to re-post these, in that topic.
MOBO: GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P, CPU: Phenom II X4 955 Deneb BE, HS/F: CoolerMaster V8, RAM: 2 x 1G Kingston HyperX DDR2 800, VGA: ECS GeForce Black GTX 560, PSU: Antec TruePower Modular 750W, Soundcard: Asus Xonar D1, Case: CoolerMaster COSMOS 1000, Storage: Internal - 2 x Seagate 250GB SATA, 2 x WD 1TB SATA; External - Seagate 500GB USB, WD 640GB eSATA, 3 x WD 1TB eSATA

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