 The Funny Bone Take 2 |
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Welcome to Bleeping Computer, a free community where people like yourself come together to discuss and learn how to use their computers. Using the site is easy and fun. As a guest, you can browse and view the various discussions in the forums, but can not create a new topic or reply to an existing one unless you are logged in. Other benefits of registering an account are subscribing to topics and forums, creating a blog, and having no ads shown anywhere on the site.| Important Announcement: The winners of the BC Million Post contest have been announced. You can read who the winners are at this post. - BleepingComputer Management |
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 May 22 2007, 12:29 AM
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#91
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 Member  Group: Members Posts: 85 Joined: 6-April 07 From: United States Member No.: 122,690  |
QUOTE(DSTM @ May 19 2007, 06:36 AM)  Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, “I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.” The second surgeon said. “That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.” The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's dirty blonde hair and the horse's behind. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.”  I tried to retell this joke to my sister, but I couldn't because I was laughing so hard! Thank you for sharing this joke! 
-------------------- --Even if I were reborn a thousand times it would not be enough to experience the world. Life is beautiful--
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May 23 2007, 08:49 AM
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#92
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 **pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Can't remember if I did this one already, so...
The Normal Test During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub" Okay, here's your test: Would you use the spoon? or Would you use the tea cup? or Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup.” SCROLL DOWN Yes, further down "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug." (You are not required to tell anyone if you got it wrong) --------------------   I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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May 23 2007, 10:44 AM
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#93
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 9,296 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
One room with a view please, for me
-------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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May 24 2007, 02:05 AM
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#94
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 Forum Regular Group: Members Posts: 302 Joined: 16-November 06 From: Auckland, New Zealand Member No.: 95,957 |
An addition to the poopie list:
Shart- A shart is when you think you are farting but poo come out at the same time  . Worst thing to happen in a party.Funny name: I heard this guy's name is... Ben Faggot. LOL. Kinda sad... |
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May 25 2007, 08:54 AM
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#95
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
A true story...
In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored the bill, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking but convince them he did and they subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this: The gas company was ordered to: [1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law. [2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man. [3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend's had been. [4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and [5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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May 25 2007, 10:53 AM
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#96
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 Bleepin' Conundrum Group: Global Moderator Posts: 9,314 Joined: 26-April 04 From: 65 miles due East of the "Logic Free Zone", in Md, USA Member No.: 235 |
Received this via email from a friend.
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." ta dum dum -------------------- |
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May 25 2007, 05:36 PM
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#97
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
That was great. -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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May 25 2007, 06:12 PM
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#98
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 Distinguished Member Group: Members Posts: 843 Joined: 9-May 06 From: PCLinuxOS Land Member No.: 67,460 |
well by jiminy , that is pretty funny -------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster"  |
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May 28 2007, 09:12 PM
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#99
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman : Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman : I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman : I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman : Is there a problem sir? Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman : Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Jun 2 2007, 09:13 AM
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#100
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Bleepin' Conundrum Group: Global Moderator Posts: 9,314 Joined: 26-April 04 From: 65 miles due East of the "Logic Free Zone", in Md, USA Member No.: 235 |
The Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the other friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, you moron...it's three o'clock in the morning!" -------------------- |
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Jun 4 2007, 08:11 AM
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#101
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Gotta get me one of those Koan.
 A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Jun 4 2007, 04:41 PM
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#102
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Distinguished Member Group: Members Posts: 843 Joined: 9-May 06 From: PCLinuxOS Land Member No.: 67,460 |
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster" |
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Jun 7 2007, 12:43 AM
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#103
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Member Group: Members Posts: 85 Joined: 6-April 07 From: United States Member No.: 122,690 |
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog?
-------------------- --Even if I were reborn a thousand times it would not be enough to experience the world. Life is beautiful--
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Jun 7 2007, 08:12 PM
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#104
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To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 9,296 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6 . I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... _____________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0< /SPAN> comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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 Jun 7 2007, 11:18 PM
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#105
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 Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,009 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
boopme
Absolutely delightful. I would like to say more, but as innumerable copies of Wife 1.0 are probably on auto scan, it would not be beneficial to the male species to so do. -------------------- |
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