 The Funny Bone Take 2 |
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  Aug 28 2008, 08:14 PM
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#166
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 Just enough info to be armed & dangerous...  Group: Members Posts: 2,256 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805  |
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word " benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight -------------------- |
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Aug 28 2008, 08:41 PM
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#167
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Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,256 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
Cyber Haiku
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give several examples of Sony's new error messages: First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Aborted effort. Close all that you have. You ask way too much. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. (Much better than MS messages - IMO  )-------------------- |
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Aug 28 2008, 08:58 PM
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#168
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Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,256 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
Things you won't see on Hallmark cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me. OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas, INSIDE: I hope it's your sister. OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: INSIDE: What the heck was I thinking? OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion. INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind. OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you. OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer.... OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly. OUTSIDE: Making out with you is like using drugs: INSIDE: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it. OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family. INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard! OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time, INSIDE: let's say we call it quits. OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you, INSIDE: it's almost like you're here. OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend... INSIDE: buy a dog. OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was? -------------------- |
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| sandwalker |
Oct 6 2008, 08:31 AM
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#169
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Guests |
The blonde received a telephone call from the collection agency. The voice on the other end demanded that she pay for the windows she had had professionally installed 2 yeas ago. The blonde replied that the windows were already paid for and that the collection agency was to QUIT HARRASING HER! The voice on the other end wanted proof that the windows were paid for, so the blonde asked him for an address. The next week the collection agent received stickers the blonde has peeled off the windows stating, "These windows will pay for themselves in less than 2 years!". He followed up with a phone call to the blonde. "What do you mean by sending me these stickers?", the agent demanded. The blonde replied, "See I told you. They paid for themselves in less than 2 years! Hellloooo . . . "
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Oct 25 2008, 07:19 PM
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#170
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 Bleepin' Conundrum Group: Emeritus Posts: 19,461 Joined: 26-April 04 From: 65 miles due East of the "Logic Free Zone", in Md, USA Member No.: 235 |
Trick or Treat
A Bloody Tale Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. The first vampire says in a Transylvanian accent, "I'll have some O Positive, straight up." The second vampire says, "Give me a mug of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!" -------------------- The only easy day was yesterday.
...some do, some don't; some will, some won't (WR) |
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Jun 29 2009, 06:43 PM
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#171
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 21,490 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
Bank Loan-------------------------
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' (you're gonna love this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.' (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... Become a BleepingComputer fan: Facebook |
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Jul 2 2009, 02:49 AM
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#172
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Member Group: Members Posts: 27 Joined: 11-January 09 Member No.: 281,404 |
What is the difference between grammer, and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of the clause. The other has claws at the end of the paws. 
-------------------- Laffnmule's Lode
Dell Dimension L1000R; Pentium III, 1.0 GHz; 126 MB RAM; Intel 828110E Graphics Controller 4.12.01.2604; Linksys Wireless Router, DSL modem; Windows ME 4.90.3000; IE 6.0.2800.1106, Yahoo mail; AVG Free 7.5.560 version 270.12.36/2126 {soon to be Avast Home edition}; SUPER Anti-Spyware Free Edition |
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Aug 10 2009, 09:59 PM
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#173
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 Forum Addict Group: Members Posts: 1,492 Joined: 11-March 07 From: Very South Jersey Member No.: 116,928 |
 A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus." -------------------- When you don't have to worry about your computer anymore, you can start living again !  Success is a result, not a goal. . . . Flaubert |
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Aug 10 2009, 11:40 PM
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#174
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 Bleepin' Night Watchman Group: Moderator Posts: 4,165 Joined: 5-December 05 From: The City of Saint Francis, by the western sea Member No.: 43,307 |
*Amazing Andrew points out that he is a blond
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Aug 11 2009, 01:00 AM
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#175
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 OBleepin Investigator Group: Moderator Posts: 17,441 Joined: 14-July 06 From: Bloomington, IN Member No.: 76,150 |
As am I. Incidentally, in the version I originally heard it was a man that painted the car instead of the porch.
~ OB -------------------- Orange Blossom An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ESET NOD32, SuperAntiSpyware Pro, SpywareBlaster, Spybot 1.6.2.46, WinPatrol Plus, Sunbelt Personal Firewall - Full, Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware, NoScript Firefox ext., Norton noscript |
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Aug 11 2009, 01:05 AM
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#176
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Bleepin' Night Watchman Group: Moderator Posts: 4,165 Joined: 5-December 05 From: The City of Saint Francis, by the western sea Member No.: 43,307 |
Let's all gang up on Jove and show 'em that we blond(e)s are just as smart as everyone else! Umm... yeah!
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Aug 11 2009, 01:16 AM
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#177
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 "Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,419 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
Very few Natural Blondes. Most are what we call "Bottle Blondes," and they dye their hair, in the hope, they can have as much fun, as Blondes do.
--------------------  I once had a life.. now I have the Internet... |
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Aug 11 2009, 02:12 AM
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#178
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Forum Addict Group: Members Posts: 1,492 Joined: 11-March 07 From: Very South Jersey Member No.: 116,928 |
OK, You asked for it !
7 degrees of Blonde FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH D EGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked t o find her house ransac ked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' _________________________ -------------------- When you don't have to worry about your computer anymore, you can start living again ! Success is a result, not a goal. . . . Flaubert |
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Aug 11 2009, 02:17 AM
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#179
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"Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,419 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
-------------------- I once had a life.. now I have the Internet... |
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Aug 11 2009, 07:51 AM
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#180
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 RoadRunner, Meep, Meep. Group: Members Posts: 1,606 Joined: 5-August 08 From: Brisbane, Qld Member No.: 227,713 |
That opened up the Floodgates, Sorry. "There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... " Poor Andy aways get the Blame? A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." Even non Blondes will think about this one. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" Blondes Love to Drive as well. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. Oh Dear? Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. There you go? A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. Just to make up the seven? Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 
This post has been edited by Abacus 7: Aug 11 2009, 09:27 AM -------------------- It is not what you are, just what you have been, that is what you get Judged at. (Abacus)
Sometimes, the only way to Learn is to Listen. (Abacas) What you never see Censored is what you never, ever, know. (Abacus) "Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying." |
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