 The Funny Bone Take 2 |
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Welcome to Bleeping Computer, a free community where people like yourself come together to discuss and learn how to use their computers. Using the site is easy and fun. As a guest, you can browse and view the various discussions in the forums, but can not create a new topic or reply to an existing one unless you are logged in. Other benefits of registering an account are subscribing to topics and forums, creating a blog, and having no ads shown anywhere on the site.| Important Announcement: The winners of the BC Million Post contest have been announced. You can read who the winners are at this post. - BleepingComputer Management |
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  Aug 28 2008, 08:14 PM
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#166
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 Just enough info to be armed & dangerous...  Group: Members Posts: 2,009 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805  |
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word " benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight -------------------- |
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Aug 28 2008, 08:41 PM
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#167
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Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,009 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
Cyber Haiku
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give several examples of Sony's new error messages: First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Aborted effort. Close all that you have. You ask way too much. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. (Much better than MS messages - IMO  )-------------------- |
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Aug 28 2008, 08:58 PM
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#168
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Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,009 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
Things you won't see on Hallmark cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me. OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas, INSIDE: I hope it's your sister. OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: INSIDE: What the heck was I thinking? OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion. INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind. OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you. OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer.... OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly. OUTSIDE: Making out with you is like using drugs: INSIDE: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it. OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family. INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard! OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time, INSIDE: let's say we call it quits. OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you, INSIDE: it's almost like you're here. OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend... INSIDE: buy a dog. OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was? -------------------- |
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Oct 6 2008, 08:31 AM
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#169
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New Member Group: Members Posts: 2 Joined: 6-October 08 Member No.: 243,916 |
The blonde received a telephone call from the collection agency. The voice on the other end demanded that she pay for the windows she had had professionally installed 2 yeas ago. The blonde replied that the windows were already paid for and that the collection agency was to QUIT HARRASING HER! The voice on the other end wanted proof that the windows were paid for, so the blonde asked him for an address. The next week the collection agent received stickers the blonde has peeled off the windows stating, "These windows will pay for themselves in less than 2 years!". He followed up with a phone call to the blonde. "What do you mean by sending me these stickers?", the agent demanded. The blonde replied, "See I told you. They paid for themselves in less than 2 years! Hellloooo . . . "
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Oct 25 2008, 07:19 PM
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#170
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 Bleepin' Conundrum Group: Global Moderator Posts: 9,313 Joined: 26-April 04 From: 65 miles due East of the "Logic Free Zone", in Md, USA Member No.: 235 |
Trick or Treat
A Bloody Tale Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. The first vampire says in a Transylvanian accent, "I'll have some O Positive, straight up." The second vampire says, "Give me a mug of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!" -------------------- |
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