 The Funny Bone Take 2 |
Welcome Guest ( Log In | Click here to Register a free account now! )
Register a free account to unlock additional features at BleepingComputer.com
Welcome to Bleeping Computer, a free community where people like yourself come together to discuss and learn how to use their computers. Using the site is easy and fun. As a guest, you can browse and view the various discussions in the forums, but can not create a new topic or reply to an existing one unless you are logged in. Other benefits of registering an account are subscribing to topics and forums, creating a blog, and having no ads shown anywhere on the site.  |
 Oct 15 2007, 06:04 PM
Post
#151
|
|
 To INSANITY and BEYOND !!  Group: Moderator Posts: 7,016 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608  |
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Makes you proud. -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
 |
 
|
|
Oct 20 2007, 08:38 AM
Post
#152
|
|
 Forum Regular Group: Members Posts: 221 Joined: 6-September 05 From: Nottingham, England town! Member No.: 33,329 |
The weather was very hot and a fellow desperately wanted to take
a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't have a swimsuit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and dove into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a couple of ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and hoped they'd pass by quickly. The ladies approached, stopped and stared at him. He felt awkward and, of course, embarrassed. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift-I can read minds." "Impossible," said the read-faced man, "can you really tell what I'm think- ing?" "Yes," she replied with a smile. "Right now, I' ll bet you think that bucket you're holding has a bottom." I HAD A RUDER ONE BUT DECIDED THIS WILL DO...LOL! --------------------  Of all the things Ive lost...I miss my mind the most! |
|
|
|
|
Oct 20 2007, 08:42 AM
Post
#153
|
|
|
Forum Regular Group: Members Posts: 221 Joined: 6-September 05 From: Nottingham, England town! Member No.: 33,329 |
You’ll like these – A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…..
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!" 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." I HATE THE LONDON UNDERGROUND BUT THESE ANNOUNCEMENTS WOULD MAKE UP FOR THAT! -------------------- Of all the things Ive lost...I miss my mind the most! |
|
|
|
|
Oct 20 2007, 09:09 AM
Post
#154
|
|
|
Forum Regular Group: Members Posts: 221 Joined: 6-September 05 From: Nottingham, England town! Member No.: 33,329 |
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." IM BLONDE SO AM ALLOWED TO POST..NO..REALLY..LOL! -------------------- Of all the things Ive lost...I miss my mind the most! |
|
|
|
|
Nov 16 2007, 10:58 PM
Post
#155
|
|
|
To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 7,016 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
Too Funny there Dolly
This Year's First Christmas  Joke Three men Died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Christmas Season Begins...... -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
|
|
|
 Dec 20 2007, 12:57 AM
Post
#156
|
|
 Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 1,712 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
You can see why this guy is a millionaire.
 Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of 5k. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the 5k. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be 5k in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow 5k?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" -------------------- |
|
|
|
|
Jan 7 2008, 01:05 AM
Post
#157
|
|
 Distinguished Member Group: Members Posts: 766 Joined: 9-May 06 From: PCLinuxOS Land Member No.: 67,460 |
A boy stops to visit his Grandmother and finds her finishing some laundry and she ask him to wait in the living room. As he's sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts and starts to eat them , and before long he has finished them off . When She comes into the living room he says "Grandma I owe you a bowl of peanuts" and she replied " Oh thats ok, You can eat all of them you want. I can't eat peanuts any more because of my teeth and I've just been sucking the chocolate off a box of chocolate covered peanuts and spitting the nuts back into that bowl" -------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster"  |
|
|
|
|
Feb 22 2008, 10:01 PM
Post
#158
|
|
 Senior Member Group: HJT Junior Classmen Posts: 438 Joined: 23-November 07 From: California Member No.: 171,969 |
These are a few of the anecdotes I can't stop laughing at no matter how many times I read it, taken from www.laughbreak.com
Lipstick On The Mirror According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. Santa Clause (an Engineer's Perspective) There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs, and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas! The Mall Machine An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." Smarter Than You Think There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20! Hope you guys liked it. I know I did 
-------------------- "If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way." - Bertrand Russell
|
|
|
|
 Apr 2 2008, 05:41 AM
Post
#159
|
|
|
Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 1,712 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
No comment necessary -
-------------------- |
|
|
|
|
May 8 2008, 12:44 AM
Post
#160
|
|
|
Senior Member Group: HJT Junior Classmen Posts: 438 Joined: 23-November 07 From: California Member No.: 171,969 |
Agreed. No comment necessary. Although emoticons are sure useful
Found this on www.osnn.net. Pictures not included. And. Uh. I rate it PG13. QUOTE If women were browsers
Firefox If you meet Firefox, it's all you can think about. She just puts to much stuff in your memory! Even though she may drive you crazy, men find it hard to dump Mrs. Firefox. It's not because of herself, it's more because of the stuff she gets from that huge bunch of her admirers. All those gadgets you can use anytime while dating her makes your life so much easier. Oh, if only other women were so open for gifts ... Opera Slim, sexy and tough, she'll be just for you if you're into that kind of women. She's really good in the bedroom, you'll enjoy her performance. She won't let you inside though, so full satisfaction is not guaranteed. Safari She's a hottie. You feel really cool being with her. However there's something you might find frustrating about her. She brings her iFriends with her without asking you when you invite her home. Internet Explorer For most, she's the first woman they tried. She's really easy, but can get you infected. This post has been edited by skyfuser: May 8 2008, 12:51 AM -------------------- "If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way." - Bertrand Russell
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 19 2008, 03:13 PM
Post
#161
|
|
|
Member Group: Members Posts: 84 Joined: 15-April 08 From: Bristol, England Member No.: 203,315 |
Why did the road kill the chicken?
Because the chicken crossed the road. -------------------- It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.
|
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
| Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 5th July 2008 - 06:34 PM |
© 2003-2008 All Rights Reserved Bleeping Computer LLC.