 The Funny Bone Take 2 |
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 Feb 7 2007, 08:57 AM
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#16
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 **pixie in training**  Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371  |
I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. God saw me hungry, he created pizza . He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi . He saw me in dark, he created light . He saw me without problems, he created YOU. Twinkle Twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far. The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you? Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but laughing at you. ** EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 12:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 7:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Pricks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile bastards, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Note-to-self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too. Wonder how long it'll take them to find it? Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "ellergeez." Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a bloody half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time... --------------------   I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Feb 10 2007, 10:47 AM
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#17
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown...with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive...those that weren't expletives were...to say the least...rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words...playing soft music...anything that he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird...and the bird got worse. He shook the bird...and the bird got even more rude. Finally...in a moment of desperation...Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing...squawking... kicking and screaming. Then...suddenly...there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird...and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said..."I'm terribly sorry that I offended you with my abominable language and my intolerable actions...and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior FORTHWITH!" Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him...when the parrot continued..."May I ask what the Chicken did? ** The Boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child , "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", whispered the tiny voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Now really alarmed, concerned, and more than a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied in a muffled giggle: "ME" -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Feb 11 2007, 01:00 AM
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#18
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 "Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,502 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
Good ones tink536,very funny.
 Came across a web page with hundreds of witty one liners,Thought you may enjoy. http://www.goodquotes.com/ -------------------- |
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Feb 11 2007, 01:12 AM
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#19
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Thanks for that link DSTM, hilarious stuff!!
-------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Feb 12 2007, 03:43 PM
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#20
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 25,444 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blondejoke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in
karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" ¨The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." -------------------- How do I get help? Who is helping me?
Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... Become a BleepingComputer fan: Facebook |
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Feb 12 2007, 10:07 PM
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#21
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day...... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... * * * * * * * * * * He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now. ** I had to call Technical Support the other day and had to respond to their question regarding my level of computer competency: Expert ~ intermediate ~ novice? I always respond with 'intermediate', but after reading the following responses, I think they should add one more category - lower than novice! Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: Um it's grey... nearly white.. ah yes its a PC Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer: No ~ wait a minute..got it . .I hadn't inserted it...it's still on my desk... Sorry.... Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you. Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: I don't know. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: Okay. Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital or small letters? A customer couldn't get on the Internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Feb 15 2007, 10:20 AM
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#22
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"Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,502 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
Picture left out.
resimay - BLONDE LOOKING FOR A JOB - WHAT'RE THE CHANCES? resimay Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. --------------------------------- Employer's response:...... Dear Peggy May, It's OK honey, we've got spell check! -------------------- |
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Feb 15 2007, 10:39 AM
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#23
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 aut viam inveniam aut faciam Group: Members Posts: 3,514 Joined: 14-November 06 From: Ossendrecht/The Netherlands Member No.: 95,557 |
QUOTE(DSTM @ Feb 15 2007, 04:20 PM)  Picture left out. For sure not upto the family friendly standards of BC  A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V. A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!" This post has been edited by fozzie: Feb 15 2007, 10:39 AM --------------------  Free antivirus : AVG Free Free Anti-spyware AVG Anti Spyware Free Firewall :Zone Alarm Ccleaner Ad aware & Manual SpybotS&D&Manual Free Handy programs |
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Feb 15 2007, 10:47 AM
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#24
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"Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,502 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
Good one.
You can't help but love them,can you. 
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Feb 15 2007, 11:13 AM
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#25
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aut viam inveniam aut faciam Group: Members Posts: 3,514 Joined: 14-November 06 From: Ossendrecht/The Netherlands Member No.: 95,557 |
//Mod Edit to remove a copyright cartoon.
Sorry Fozzie This post has been edited by KoanYorel: Feb 15 2007, 12:33 PM -------------------- Free antivirus : AVG Free Free Anti-spyware AVG Anti Spyware Free Firewall :Zone Alarm Ccleaner Ad aware & Manual SpybotS&D&Manual Free Handy programs |
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Feb 15 2007, 12:18 PM
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#26
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 SPAM Magnet Group: Site Admin Posts: 16,157 Joined: 6-May 04 From: SW Louisiana Member No.: 363 |
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. -------------------- |
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Feb 15 2007, 01:08 PM
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#27
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aut viam inveniam aut faciam Group: Members Posts: 3,514 Joined: 14-November 06 From: Ossendrecht/The Netherlands Member No.: 95,557 |
QUOTE(tg1911 @ Feb 15 2007, 06:18 PM) Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. Here is a funny story about misunderstandings.... http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/images/cyan.jpg This post has been edited by fozzie: Feb 15 2007, 01:09 PM -------------------- Free antivirus : AVG Free Free Anti-spyware AVG Anti Spyware Free Firewall :Zone Alarm Ccleaner Ad aware & Manual SpybotS&D&Manual Free Handy programs |
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Feb 16 2007, 05:45 AM
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#28
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I am in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe he'll buy me a diamond next time. ** Teachers are paid too much! I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay teachers babysitting wages. That's right. Instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour. And, I'm only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare. Now how many children do they teach a day - maybe 20? That's $15.00 x 20 = 300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.) What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master's degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That's $600 a day times 180 days. That's only $108,000. Wait a minute! There is something wrong here... -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Feb 16 2007, 11:50 AM
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#29
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SPAM Magnet Group: Site Admin Posts: 16,157 Joined: 6-May 04 From: SW Louisiana Member No.: 363 |
I thought these were kind of funny:
Click on the Blue E Page cannot be displayed Doh! Understanding Internet Explorer Security Settings -------------------- |
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Feb 18 2007, 03:20 AM
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#30
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 New Member Group: Members Posts: 7 Joined: 11-February 07 From: Ohaeawai, Northland, New Zealand Member No.: 111,165 |
Tink,
Your tech support post #21 reminded me... I worked as IT Trainer/HelpDesk for a while. After finishing one of those calls, all we could say was.... "Just turn up the user-brightness knob!" (and no, we NEVER actually gave that advice to a caller.) 
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