The Funny Bone

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The Funny Bone

#1 Scarlett

Bleeping Diva

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 06:55 PM

Hello All

We all need a good :flowers:

now and again.

So please post any jokes here, that you would like to share :trumpet:

with everyone.

The only guidelines are that they should be funny :inlove:

and above all family friendly. :cool:

Ok,.... so lets have some fun!

This post has been edited by Scarlett: 05 January 2006 - 02:52 PM

#2 KoanYorel

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 07:04 PM

Old and Mouldy... But just to start the thread anew....

Only in America:

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance, Police, or FDP.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!!

11. Only in America... does McDonalds post signs 8' up on their walls, saying that they have menus in Braille for the visually impaired!!

12. Only along the OHIO Turnpike at its service plaza's do they have "Handicap Parking" spaces for Semi Tractor-Trailers...
and they're 1/2 a mile away from the Plaza!

The only easy day was yesterday.

...some do, some don't; some will, some won't (WR)

#3 tallahassee lassie

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Location:Georgia

Posted 06 December 2005 - 08:03 AM

Keep on smiling---Mare

#4 tallahassee lassie

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Location:Georgia

Posted 06 December 2005 - 08:14 AM

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

:flowers:

A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."

:inlove:

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."

:cool:

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"

That is all for now...Always...Marion

Keep on smiling---Mare

#5 Scarlett

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Posted 06 December 2005 - 05:41 PM

12 Days of Christmas - AOL Style

On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,

11 channels not working,

10 hours without mail,

9 frozen chat rooms,

8 hours of busy signals,

7 frozen IMs,

6 disconnections,

5 web crashes,

4 idiots at tech help,

3 error messages,

2 pieces of junk mail,

and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

:thumbsup:

This post has been edited by Scarlett: 06 December 2005 - 05:48 PM

#6 shrimp

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Posted 06 December 2005 - 10:55 PM

If its not funny i'm passing the blame to the taxi driver who told me it yesterday :thumbsup:

A new olympic event has just been commisioned, origami. On the whole everyone was pleased until sky announced they are putting it on pay-per-view :flowers:

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." - Albert Einstein

#7 AtThePub

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Posted 07 December 2005 - 10:56 PM

You Might be a Redneck Jedi if...

* Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

* You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

* You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

* At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

* There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word "chicken".

* You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

* You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

* A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

* You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

* Your master ever said, "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

* You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

* You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side, it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

* You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

* You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

* More than half the droids you own don't function.

* The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

* You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

* You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

* Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

* You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

* Sandpeople back down from your mama.

* You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

* You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

* You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

* You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

* A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

* You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

* You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

* You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

* You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

* The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

* You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

* You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your uncle. And your brother...

This post has been edited by AtThePub: 07 December 2005 - 10:57 PM

#8 boopme

To Insanity and Beyond

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Posted 08 December 2005 - 10:18 PM

THE ITALIAN MOTHER

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

His mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing Ma!! You're right!!!! How did you know!?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

How do I get help? Who is helping me?
Staying Updated Calendar of Updates.
For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear....
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#9 dc3

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Posted 10 December 2005 - 04:58 AM

In Paradise
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve, frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

#10 R4d30N

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Posted 10 December 2005 - 06:19 AM

What you dont want too hear the sys admin saying..

Quote

100. Uh-oh.....
99. bleep!!
98. What the hell!?
97. Go get your backup tape. (You _do_ have a backup tape?)
96. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
95. Wow!! Look at this.....
94. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
93. Terminated??!
92. What software license?
91. Well, it's doing _something_.....
90. Wow....that seemed _fast_.....
89. I got a better job at Lockheed...
88. Management says...
87. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
86. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
85. It didn't do that a minute ago...
84. Where's the GUI on this thing?
83. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
82. Where's the DIR command?
81. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
80. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
79. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
78. Do you smell something?
77. What's that grinding sound?
76. I have never seen it do *that* before...
75. I think it should not be doing that...
74. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
73. You might as well all go home early today ...
72. My leave starts tomorrow.
71. Ooops.
70. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
69. ``Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?''
68. Hmmm, curious...
67. Well, _my_ files were backed up.
66. What do you mean you needed that directory?
65. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
64. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
63. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your
work when it comes up tonight.
62. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your
job.
61. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to
you?
60. We're standardizing on AIX.
59. Wonder what *this* command does?
58. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
57. You did _what_ to the floppy???
56. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
55. NO! Not _that_ button!
54. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
53. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
52. NO! Not _that_ button!
51. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
50. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of Dos is this running?"
49. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
48. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
47. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
46. What's this switch for anyways...?
45. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
44. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
43. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
42. Was that YOUR directory?
41. System coming down in 0 min....
40. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
39. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems
with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
38. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
37. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
36. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in
a few hours. ( This is said on a monday afternoon.)
35. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip
with out triping the breaker.
34. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
33. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance
and I have it running now.
32. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
31. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner.
(Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline... )
30. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
29. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
28. I hate it when that happens.
27. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
26. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
25. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
24. You can do this patch with the system up...
23. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
22. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
21. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was
on THAT disk....
20. What do mean by "fired"?
19. hey, what does mkfs do?
18. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
17. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like _this_...
16. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ bleep
15. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
14. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
13. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
12. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
11. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
10. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
9. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
8. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
5. I don't care what he says, I'm _NOT_ having it on _my_ network
4. We don't support that. We _won't_ support that.
3. ...and after I patched the microcode...
2. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
1. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
0. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
-1. This won't affect what you're doing.
-2. `We are shutting xxx down from 8.30 to 10.30 on Thursday to install a
new tape drive.'
The machine was up at about 2pm sans-tape drive
-3. `I just have to install these three patches. It should not take more
than a few minutes.'
The machine was working again about 3 hours later...
-4. Umm, did anyone have anything important in /usr?
-5. We had to format some tracks, and we seem to have hit an inode track.
Half the files are still there though...
-6. Ooops, I should really have change directory before doing that
chmod -R bin.bin .
-7. I just made an extra 2 meg of space in /, I stripped /vmunix.
Oh, so that's why ps doesn't work.
-8. Ignore the errors. It complains too much.
-9. I got these instructions off the net. I'm going to follow
them exactly. Let's see if they work.
-10. Heard at my workplace when I found emacs wouldn't run :
"Oh I took that thing off, it was huge and nobody uses it. It's
a stupid editor anyway." --Spoken by an MS-DOS programmer
-11. I don't know if this is ethical, but...

Way's too piss of a cop(I'm sure bleepingcomputer does not endorse any of the below)

Quote

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

This post has been edited by R4d30N: 10 December 2005 - 06:22 AM

#11 Scarlett

Bleeping Diva

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Posts: 7,479
Joined: 25-April 04
Gender:Female
Location:As always I'm beside myself ;)

Posted 10 December 2005 - 07:17 PM

To All Princesses

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading
as little girls!

Once upon a time,

in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat,

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

here you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children,

and

forever

feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine

and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't freakin' think so!

:thumbsup:

#12 welco

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Joined: 05-December 05

Posted 11 December 2005 - 03:00 AM

Once upon a time a prince met the most beautiful princess he had ever met. He thought she was so beautiful he asked her to marry him. She said "No!" The prince lived happily ever after.

AMD Athlon 64 3000+ Venice
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#13 multi-tasker

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Group: Members
Posts: 17
Joined: 08-November 05
Location:Georgia

Posted 13 December 2005 - 12:43 PM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

.

This is done by the chip monk.

:flowers:

Growing older and smarter

#14 tallahassee lassie

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Group: Members
Posts: 93
Joined: 10-October 05
Location:Georgia

Posted 14 December 2005 - 09:46 AM

It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, "Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done."

He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. "Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?" Santa snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions!"

But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?"

And this is where we get the tradition of placing an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:flowers:

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

:inlove:

Keep on smiling---Mare

#15 tallahassee lassie

Member

Group: Members
Posts: 93
Joined: 10-October 05
Location:Georgia

Posted 15 December 2005 - 06:47 AM

'Twas The Day After Christmas

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

:flowers:

Keep on smiling---Mare