I received this via a chain email, so I quote:

QUOTE

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!

by Dr. Seuss.

(You gotta read this one out loud - it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an
error to report.


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is
corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's
hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the
network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets
want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by
the printer down the hall.


And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so
your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang.


When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the
macro code instructions are causing unnecessary risk, then you'll
have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then
quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?


Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives.

You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it!


You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

Great stuff, Sleepydog!
Here's one, based on real life(mine): "You know you haven't caught enough sleep if you find yourself going to the microave, and start punching in a telephone number on the touchpad."

try this one...it happened to me in dublin...really!!!

I walk out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at me.
"You, mr, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.



After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ..


"COLDWATER LAY DOWN!!!"




people....i would like to introduce you to "coldwater"








...oh i kill myself!!

This post has been edited by sleepydog: Feb 23 2006, 11:27 AM

QUOTE(Scarlett @ Jan 24 2006, 01:32 PM)

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing

the same thing to them at funerals.

I believed you, up to the last line.

Anywhere here are a few jokes:

QUOTE

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100
men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional,
and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

QUOTE

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone
rang. The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to
answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said,
"Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and
went back to bed. The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't
know.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who
it was. The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say? He said,
"It's odd, a woman just keeps saying: "Long distance from Chicago..."

^reminds me a few members here. Who shall remain nameless

QUOTE

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take
a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one
of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer
said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

"You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman
offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots
of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said
the cop, "whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the
flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is
this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

^kinda mean, but still funny...

QUOTE

Q) How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) None, That's a hardware problem!

QUOTE

Little Johnny was late for class. He walked into the classroom,
quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the
while hoping his teacher wouldn't notice.

But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry. Upset
by his tardiness, the teacher asked, "Is this how your father would
have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to
his desk?" The teacher pointed to the door and continued," Now,
leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right
next time!"

So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few
moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped
back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth. He
slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor,
and said, "So, Honey, didn't expect *me*, did you?"

QUOTE

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's
emergency room on the other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your
wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."

The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both
legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."

"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"

The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

I started laughing at the "I'm kidding," then i got cut off...

QUOTE

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system!

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

All taken from: http://www.epilipinas.com/justjokes10.htm

Only a Texan could think of this

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

QUOTE

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

I love it!!

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


Just joking

This post has been edited by Scarlett: Mar 31 2006, 02:39 PM

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND


I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL

notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad.





1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.



2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT



3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.



4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.



5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.



6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.



7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.



8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.



9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.



10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.



11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S.

NOTE: [WORDS IN (** )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.



12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.



13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.



14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.



15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.



16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT

WAS SUNDAY.



17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.



18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.



19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.



20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.



21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.



22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

Good ones