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 Jan 6 2006, 07:54 AM
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#31
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 Member  Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699  |
 Yes, Scarlett, multi-tasker and myself are husband and wife, for 5 years now. Sometimes, we play this little game with each other online. He doesn't get on that much, so I take up his slack. Sometimes he can be a slacker. I tell him, lower the toilet seat, take out the garbage, wash the car, etc. Just little things like that. He is a hard working man, when he is at work. Thanks for being curious. You are right, the cat's out the bag..Always...Marion 
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 6 2006, 07:58 AM
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#32
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
 I just can't stand it. I have a funny one here.A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business." She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car." Still, she didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business, my car and my house." Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket!!!" 
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 8 2006, 03:12 AM
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#33
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 Senior Member Group: Members Posts: 453 Joined: 13-June 05 From: Colorado, USA Member No.: 23,389 |
I credit thisisbroken.com for helping me find this.
QUOTE TACOS TO THE SHEPHERD
(for 4 or 5 people) Ingredients: 1/2 kilo of pig steaks maiz tortillas 2 great onions 175 grs. of bacon 1 handful of coriander 1 heavy piece of fragmentation hand grenade 250gr. of I marinate 1 tooth of garlic 1 puñito of Chile of arbol l 3 tomatoes. Procedure: Place in a Plato steaks and únteles I marinate. Ensártelos in one barilla. Double inwards the borders of steaks so that they do not hang and they have good form. It raises puts a good piece of fragmentation hand grenade and average onion. Aselos to untimed fire until well they are cooked (2 hours approximately) turns the rod once in a while so that they cook even to untimed fire. Court pieces and empieze to make the tacos, year pricked onion, coriander and sauce. The sauce: To fry chili peppers of tree to the oil taste, while it roasts the tomatoes in a comal, later grinds with 1 tooth of garlic and salt. -------------------- "Sir Lord Baron von Vader-han?" ~ Eddie Izzard  |
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Jan 8 2006, 12:41 PM
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#34
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 27 Joined: 7-January 06 From: The darkest depths of your worst imaginings. Or Slough, UK as its also known. Member No.: 49,218 |
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Paul, were sitting in a pub having a beer. Suddenly, the door bursts open and two men walk in, one carrying a 3 foot long fish. He goes up to the barkeep and says "Is this worth free beer for the night?" The barman says "Thats amazing. Yes, it is."
Paddy and Paul got talking with the two men and asked them, "How did you catch such a big fish?" One of the men replied, "Well, my friend here grabbed me by my legs, lowered me over a bridge. I waited until a fish jumped up, then I caught it and tickled it to death." Paul says "Wow, thats a really good idea. Come on Paddy, lets give it a go." So Paddy and Paul left the pub. When they reached a bridge, Paddy said to Paul, "OK, grab my legs and lower me over." Paul stands there holding Paddy for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he hears Paddy shout "Paul, pull me up, pull me up!" "Why?" "Theres a train coming!" Three women are on an island and cant get off. After a while they find a magic lamp. One of them rubs it and a genie appears and says, "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND." The first woman says, I wish I was 5 times as smart as I am now." "GRANTED." Then the first woman made a raft and sailed away. The second woman says, "I wish I was 10 times as smart as I am now." "GRANTED." Then the second woman makes a handglider and flies away. The third woman says, "I wish I was as smart as a man." "GRANTED." Then the third woman walked over the bridge. One last one. A man walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "If I show you something really amazing, will you give me a pint of beer?" The barman says, "OK." The man then puts a small piano on the bar and a 1 ft tall man. The man starts playing Mozart on the piano. The barman says, "WOW, thats amazing. Here, have a pint." While the man is drinking, the barman asks him, "Where did you find it?" "Well, I found this magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me a wish." The barman asks, "Do you mind if I give it a go?" "Not at all." So the man hands the barman an old lamp. The barman rubs it and a genie appears and says, "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND." The barman thinks for a second then says, "I wish I had...a ton of beer." Suddenly, a huge grizzly bear appears in front of him and roars! The barman shouts, "Take it away, take it away!" and the bear dissapears. He turns to the man and says, "Hey, I asked for a ton of beer and got a ton of bear. Whats going on?" And the man says, "Well, what do you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?" -------------------- Behind you...
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Jan 16 2006, 09:32 AM
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#35
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
 Just a little humor today. How about a few puns.. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain -- they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.  
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 16 2006, 10:11 AM
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#36
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Senior Member Group: Members Posts: 453 Joined: 13-June 05 From: Colorado, USA Member No.: 23,389 |
LOL! Here's the other five! (actually 6, but that's beside the point)
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in SC. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found a new girl had started. Her name was "Clearly", and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with the new girl and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him, too. But this guy was loyal and wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing to do but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..." This post has been edited by Lanscader: Jan 16 2006, 10:11 AM -------------------- "Sir Lord Baron von Vader-han?" ~ Eddie Izzard |
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Jan 20 2006, 06:40 AM
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#37
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
I never forget funnies for everyone..Mare Tombstone Epitaph In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"? Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you. I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was." Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!' A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all." An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." ** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?" That is all today my friends..Have a great weekend..Always.Marion 
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 20 2006, 10:42 AM
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#38
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 7,838 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
Funny tallahassie
One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowedthe lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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Jan 21 2006, 08:18 AM
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#39
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 Forum Regular Group: Members Posts: 221 Joined: 6-September 05 From: Nottingham, England town! Member No.: 33,329 |
--------------------  Of all the things Ive lost...I miss my mind the most! |
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Jan 24 2006, 01:32 PM
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#40
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 Bleeping GloDiva Group: Members Posts: 7,479 Joined: 25-April 04 From: As always I'm beside myself ;) Member No.: 228 |
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Jan 24 2006, 01:53 PM
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#41
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 17 Joined: 8-November 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 39,866 |
Good one Scarlett. Love it.
-------------------- Growing older and smarter
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Jan 27 2006, 12:46 PM
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#42
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
 Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." There was a pregnant woman. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She now has a baby girl and a baby boy! She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said, "Yes, and don't worry because your brother has named them." The pregnant woman freaked out and said that her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denise. The pregnant women said, "Maybe my brother is not such an idiot." Then the docter said that the boy's name is "da nephew". An honest lawyer An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money." That is all today..Always..Mare
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Feb 2 2006, 11:16 AM
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#43
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Member Group: Members Posts: 17 Joined: 8-November 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 39,866 |
Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle. Judi asked what the difference was. "Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't." "Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here." A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!" John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
-------------------- Growing older and smarter
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Feb 2 2006, 11:27 AM
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#44
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 Learning Daily Group: Members Posts: 4,543 Joined: 9-July 04 From: Washington State, USA Member No.: 1,322 |
 three strikes straight to the laughter reflexes ...
-------------------- patiently patrolling, plenty of persisant pests n' problems ...
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Feb 7 2006, 08:11 PM
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#45
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Senior Member Group: Members Posts: 453 Joined: 13-June 05 From: Colorado, USA Member No.: 23,389 |
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in theHoly Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." -------------------- "Sir Lord Baron von Vader-han?" ~ Eddie Izzard |
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