 The Funny Bone |
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  Nov 22 2006, 03:30 PM
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#211
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 Just enough info to be armed & dangerous...  Group: Members Posts: 2,005 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805  |
That is absolutely priceless. I remember those good ol' days and the world is poorer without that classic humour. I reckon that this should be pinned somewhere. Cheers -------------------- |
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Nov 23 2006, 08:24 PM
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#212
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 I can see what you post! Group: Members Posts: 6,374 Joined: 14-February 05 Member No.: 12,053 |
Open up a MS Word (works up to MS Office 2007 beta 2)
and past this in: CODE =rand (200,99) Then hit enter. 
This post has been edited by yano: Nov 23 2006, 08:25 PM -------------------- |
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Nov 25 2006, 09:29 AM
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#213
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 **pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Thanx for starting this Scarlett! My neighbors must think I'm nuts for laughing like a maniac at 3 am, but its worth it!
QUOTE Open up a MS Word (works up to MS Office 2007 beta 2) and past this in: CODE =rand (200,99) Then hit enter. OMG felt like an idiot for doing this! my contribution: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ***** (One of my faves)  There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, ''What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?'' The first man answered, ''I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life.'' The second man replied, ''I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young person's life.'' The third man said, ''Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!''' (I think I'd enjoy that also!  )***** Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign." --------------------   I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Nov 29 2006, 06:40 AM
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#214
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 "Bleepin' Aussie Addict" Group: Members Posts: 2,081 Joined: 14-October 06 From: SYDNEY-AUSTRALIA Member No.: 90,018 |
I like Irish jokes.
Drinking Buddies There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?” Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?” ”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained. “And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat. “Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn. ''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly. “Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”
--------------------  I once had a life.. now I have the Internet... |
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Nov 29 2006, 08:13 AM
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#215
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 Forum Addict Group: BC Advisor Posts: 1,875 Joined: 25-November 04 From: Finland Member No.: 5,870 |
-------------------- "Anyone who cannot form a community with others, or who does not need to because he is self-sufficient [...] is either a beast or a god." Aristotle
AMD Athlon 64 X2 4400+ | ASUS A8N-SLI Deluxe | 2GB Corsair TWINX2048-3500LLPRO | Gigabyte GeForce 8800GTX | Creative SoundBlaster Audigy 2 ZS | ASUS PhysX P1 | Logitech G15 | Logitech MX Revolution | LG Flatron L2000C | Logitech Z-5500 Digital Stubborn attempts to think clearly |
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Dec 3 2006, 05:31 PM
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#216
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 9,266 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
Subject: New Company Policy
DRESS CODE: YOU ARE ADVISED TO COME TO WORK DRESSED ACCORDING TO YOUR SALARY. Ø IF WE SEE YOU WEARING PRADA SHOES AND CARRYING A GUCCI BAG, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE DOING WELL FINANCIALLY AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE. Ø IF YOU DRESS POORLY, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY BETTER, SO THAT YOU MAY BUY NICER CLOTHES, AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE. Ø IF YOU DRESS JUST RIGHT, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE. SICK DAYS: WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT A DOCTOR'S STATEMENT AS PROOF OF SICKNESS. IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO COME TO WORK. PERSONAL DAYS: EACH EMPLOYEE WILL RECEIVE 104 PERSONAL DAYS A YEAR. THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY'S AND SUNDAY'S. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: THIS IS NO EXCUSE FOR MISSING WORK. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR DEAD FRIENDS, RELATIVES OR COWORKERS. EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO HAVE NON-EMPLOYEES ATTEND TO THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. IN RARE CASES WHERE EMPLOYEE INVOLVEMENT IS NECESSARY, THE FUNERAL SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN THE LATE AFTERNOON. WE WILL BE GLAD TO ALLOW YOU TO WORK THROUGH YOUR LUNCH HOUR AND SUBSEQUENTLY LEAVE ONE HOUR EARLY. BATHROOM BREAKS: ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT ON THE TOILET. THERE IS NOW A STRICT THREE MINUTE TIME LIMIT IN THE STALLS. AT THE END OF THE THREE MINUTES, AN ALARM WILL SOUND, THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WILL RETRACT, THE STALL DOOR WILL OPEN, AND A PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN. AFTER YOUR SECOND OFFENSE, YOUR PICTURE WILL BE POSTED ON THE COMPANY BULLETIN UNDER THE "CHRONIC OFFENDERS" CATEGORY. ANYONE CAUGHT SMILING IN THE PICTURE WILL BE SECTIONED UNDER THE COMPANY'S MENTAL HEALTH POLICY. LUNCH BREAK: SKINNY PEOPLE GET 30 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, AS THEY NEED TO EAT MORE, SO THAT THEY CAN LOOK HEALTHY. NORMAL SIZE PEOPLE GET 15 MINUTES FOR LUNCH TO GET A BALANCED MEAL TO MAINTAIN THEIR AVERAGE FIGURE. CHUBBY PEOPLE GET 5 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THE TIME NEEDED TO DRINK A SLIM FAST. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO OUR COMPANY. WE ARE HERE TO PROVIDE A POSITIVE EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE. THEREFORE, ALL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, CONCERNS, COMPLAINTS, FRUSTRATIONS, IRRITATIONS, AGGRAVATIONS, INSINUATIONS, ALLEGATIONS, ACCUSATIONS, CONTEMPLATIONS, CONSTERNATIONS AND INPUT SHOULD BE DIRECTED ELSEWHERE. Human Resources This post has been edited by boopme: Dec 3 2006, 05:32 PM -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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Dec 3 2006, 09:48 PM
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#217
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
OMG...loved the "Chinese take-out"!
I'm sure you all have seen this, but I still think its super funny. From the WordPerfect Help Desk This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Dec 11 2006, 04:44 AM
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#218
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Just enough info to be armed & dangerous... Group: Members Posts: 2,005 Joined: 18-March 06 From: St Kilda, Dunedin. South Island. NZ Member No.: 59,805 |
Can't really argue with that diagnosis, can you?
Well done tink536. -------------------- |
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Dec 11 2006, 08:13 AM
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#219
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
QUOTE(rowal5555 @ Dec 10 2006, 11:44 PM)  Can't really argue with that diagnosis, can you? Well done tink536. Nope Not when the symptoms were so obvious! You gotta call it like you see it! 
-------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Dec 11 2006, 08:12 PM
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#220
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 aut viam inveniam aut faciam Group: Members Posts: 3,510 Joined: 14-November 06 From: Ossendrecht/The Netherlands Member No.: 95,557 |
More Helpdesk
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" Customer: "Huh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter? At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..." And the best for last!!!! Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broken and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice da --------------------  Free antivirus : AVG Free Free Anti-spyware AVG Anti Spyware Free Firewall :Zone Alarm Ccleaner Ad aware & Manual SpybotS&D&Manual Free Handy programs |
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Dec 12 2006, 07:46 AM
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#221
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
I've heard a few of these before, but they're still hilarious!!!!
-------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Dec 12 2006, 06:39 PM
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#222
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**pixie in training** Group: Members Posts: 1,853 Joined: 13-November 06 From: Honolulu, Hawaii Member No.: 95,371 |
Funny Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip Call your plumber.." Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts" In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait" At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." -------------------- I search for Sjogrens Syndrome Foundation...Who will you search for? |
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Dec 14 2006, 07:18 AM
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#223
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aut viam inveniam aut faciam Group: Members Posts: 3,510 Joined: 14-November 06 From: Ossendrecht/The Netherlands Member No.: 95,557 |
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!" -------------------- Free antivirus : AVG Free Free Anti-spyware AVG Anti Spyware Free Firewall :Zone Alarm Ccleaner Ad aware & Manual SpybotS&D&Manual Free Handy programs |
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Jan 15 2007, 10:17 AM
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#224
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To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 9,266 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
The Bride passed this to me...
Why Men are Happier People... What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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Jan 16 2007, 07:20 AM
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