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 Dec 17 2005, 03:46 PM
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#16
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 I can see what you post!  Group: Members Posts: 6,313 Joined: 14-February 05 From: Somewhere in North East Ohio Member No.: 12,053  |
QUOTE -11. I don't think this is ethical, but... I'm gonna have to start using that on some people when I fix there computer, lol. -------------------- |
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Dec 17 2005, 06:00 PM
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#17
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 17 Joined: 8-November 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 39,866 |
  Things Not To Say When Hanging The LightsDid you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree. -- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..." -- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try." -- "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?" -- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker." -- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father." -- "Give me that!" -- "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top." -- "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!" -- "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?" -- "Have you been drinking?" -- "Where's the cat?" 
-------------------- Growing older and smarter
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Dec 18 2005, 08:37 AM
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#18
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
 A parent's night before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, While Dad and I faced the evening with dread: A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten that batteries are never included! 
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Dec 18 2005, 08:51 AM
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#19
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 Bleeping GloDiva Group: Members Posts: 7,479 Joined: 25-April 04 From: As always I'm beside myself ;) Member No.: 228 |
 I love it!
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Dec 23 2005, 08:13 AM
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#20
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
What men say and what they actually mean . . . "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up." 
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Dec 23 2005, 10:10 AM
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#21
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 To INSANITY and BEYOND !! Group: Moderator Posts: 8,191 Joined: 10-September 04 From: NJ USA Member No.: 2,608 |
  that's funnyOne more " HOW ABOUT DINNER AND A MOVIE" ..Means: "I think it's meatloaf night and Rambo 15 just came out." -------------------- Can you spare some PC cycles to help FIND A CURE .. BC FOLDING TEAM Click me /info..
ThoughtVent a goodplace to discuss.<<>>>Staying Updated Calendar of Updates. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.... |
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Dec 23 2005, 10:39 AM
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#22
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
Good one Boopme...
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Dec 23 2005, 11:05 AM
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#23
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 Bleepin' Conundrum Group: Global Moderator Posts: 8,626 Joined: 26-April 04 From: 65 miles due East of the "Logic Free Zone", in Md, USA Member No.: 235 |
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog, Spike won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as Wanda had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with it's incessant yelling, cursing, name calling and shrill shrieking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Sic 'em Spike." -------------------- |
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Dec 23 2005, 11:13 AM
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#24
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Dec 27 2005, 01:22 PM
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#25
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas...Here is one... A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"   Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?" To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray …." A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: "It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:" Have a great day everyone..Always..Marion
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 5 2006, 10:34 AM
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#26
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Member Group: Members Posts: 17 Joined: 8-November 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 39,866 |
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 
-------------------- Growing older and smarter
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Jan 5 2006, 10:37 AM
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#27
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Bleeping GloDiva Group: Members Posts: 7,479 Joined: 25-April 04 From: As always I'm beside myself ;) Member No.: 228 |
Funny stuff!
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Jan 5 2006, 12:32 PM
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#28
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Member Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: 10-October 05 From: Georgia Member No.: 36,699 |
 Looks like my better-half needs an engineering job. That's cute dear..Always..Mare
-------------------- Keep on smiling---Mare
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Jan 5 2006, 01:15 PM
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#29
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Bleeping GloDiva Group: Members Posts: 7,479 Joined: 25-April 04 From: As always I'm beside myself ;) Member No.: 228 |
Hmmm.. wait a minute you two. lol
Dare I let the cat out of the bag? That is to say there is a cat in the bag.  Ok Im going to throw it out there. I think that maybe, just maybe tallahassee lassie & multi-tasker....know each other.  ????
This post has been edited by Scarlett: Jan 5 2006, 01:16 PM -------------------- |
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Jan 6 2006, 04:23 AM
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#30
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 32 Joined: 30-December 05 From: NZ. It's very long and in 2 bits Member No.: 47,495 |
Advisory
The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings: Black bear droppings are small and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell of pepper. -------------------- Your interests (Check Length), Your location (Check Length). What if I dont need to check my length?
Religion has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of "the devil" by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. Don't eat yellow snow. |
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