The Funny Bone Take 2

sorry there Tink hope it wasn't Pistachio

Gross boopme!
I'm eating an ice cream sandwich and have a funny taste in my mouth!

Could have been worse tink536,At least it wasn't Peanut Butter and Jelly.

sorry there Tink hope it wasn't Pistachio

Neapolitan, thank God!

Gross boopme!
I'm eating an ice cream sandwich and have a funny taste in my mouth!

Could have been worse tink536,At least it wasn't Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Double gross!

Seven degrees of blondness:

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

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SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´ -., _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*

FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

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SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

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SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

>Subject: Top 25 Country Western Songs of All Time
>
>25) Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
>
>24) I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
>
>23) If I Can't Be Number One, Then Number Two On You
>
>22) I Sold A Car to A Girl Who Stole My Guy, But It Don't Run So Good
>
>21) Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
>
>20) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>
>19) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
>
>18) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>
>17) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot You
>
>16) You Broke My Heart So I Broke Your Nose
>
>15) I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
>
>14) I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>
>13) I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>
>12) I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
>
>11) I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' On My Back in My Bed, and
Cryin'Over You
>
>10) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
>
>09) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love You
>
>08) My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
>
>07) Please Bypass This Heart
>
>06) She Got the Ring and I Got The Finger
>
>05) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
>
>04) You're the Reason Our Kids Are so Ugly
>
>03) Her Teeth Was Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
>
>02) She's Looking Better after Every Beer
>
>And the No. 1 Favorite Country Song:

>01) I Haven't Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With a
Few!

From a computer help line:

Q: How do I keep my husband from reading all my e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Loved those blond jokes Pandy

My Mother Taught Me…
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC: " Because I said so, that's why."

MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home"

RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

**

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping in the middle of Dartmoor.
They set up their tent and go to sleep. Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" enquires Holmes.
Dr Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, then Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!

From a computer help line:

Q: How do I keep my husband from reading all my e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
She tasted some more and asked? Is it Scotch?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

(this is supposedly a true story)
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.


Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We
have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring
the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
--Click.--

The Good Wife's Guide
A good wife always knows her place...
Let him talk first and cater to your husband's comfort for immense personal satisfaction!
An Actual Extract from a 13 May 1955 “Housekeeping Monthly” Article





The Good Wife's Guide

- Have dinner ready, Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

- Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

- Be happy to see him.

- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

- A good wife always knows her place.

A blonde girl was out driving in the countryside, when she spotted another blonde girl sitting in the middle of a field, on a boat with a fishing rod.

She stopped the car, got out in a fit of rage and shaking her fist she yelled to the blonde fisherwoman:

"It's people like you who give us all a bad name! And if i could swim, I'd come out there..."

Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

woman standing naked infront of a mirror says to her husband:i feel fat ,bloated and unattractive now pay me a compliment husband says :you have fantastic eyesight

The Good Wife's Guide

You're a Brave Man DSTM Nice to see you back !


peeling off of a bumper somewhere....

> Forget About World Peace....Visualize Using Your Turn Signals !
>
> Women Who Seek To Be Equal With Men, Lack Ambition
>
> Your Kid May Be A Honor Student ,But You're Still An Idiot
>
> Few Women Admit Their Age, Few Men Act IT
>
>I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
>
> It's Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
>
> Love: Two Vowels , Two Consonants , Two Fools
>
> According To My Calculations, The Problem Doesn't Exist
>
>WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
>
> Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else.
>
> I Like You...But I Wouldn't Want To See You Working With Sub-Atomic Particles
>
>"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY
>
>Lead Me Not Into Temptation, For I Can Find It Myself