Hello All

Welcome to The Funny Bone Take 2!

We all need a good now and again.

So please post any jokes here, that you would like to share with everyone.

The only guidelines are that they should be funny and above all family friendly.

Ok,.... so lets have some fun!

Link to the former "Funny Bone"

Hmmm, lemme think...
I used to know a joke.

What's red, white and blue and burned everywhere?

[Candles - bet you thought I was looking for a USA Flag tho'.]

Some goofy ones

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(scroll down)




(brace yourself)





(this is going to hurt.)






(really bad.)



"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


**

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)




(its a real treat)




(a masterpiece)




(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

LMBO Tink you are so fun!

Thought those were cute & funny!

They are! And I am so glad you have found your way to the new Funny Bone.

At first I thought we made a boo boo in the other one when I saw it was closed. But. reading on, saw that a new one was open.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blond woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

I think I would have come to the same conclusion, DSTM.

Thought this was funny, although it doesn't apply to me (well, my age group) until the end

People over 30 should be dead. Here's why .
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70’s probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes..
After running into the bushes a few times , we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on .
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers , or Internet chat rooms .
We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt .
We fell out of trees , got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!!!!!
People under 30 are WIMPS

How true tink536,I was a kid growing up in the 40's and I survived,and have great memories.
Things were simple then,and I wonder whether kids are realy better off growing up today.Maybe a topic for Chat.

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

I like that one tg1911,So clever.

Nice Poems written by a Husband and wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

**

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
12:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
7:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Pricks.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile bastards, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Note-to-self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too. Wonder how long it'll take them to find it?
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "ellergeez." Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a bloody half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time...

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown...with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive...those that weren't expletives were...to say the least...rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words...playing soft music...anything that he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird...and the bird got worse. He shook the bird...and the bird got even more rude. Finally...in a moment of desperation...Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing...squawking... kicking and screaming. Then...suddenly...there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird...and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said..."I'm terribly sorry that I offended you with my abominable language and my intolerable actions...and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior FORTHWITH!"
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him...when the parrot continued..."May I ask what the Chicken did?

**

The Boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child , "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", whispered the tiny voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Now really alarmed, concerned, and more than a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied in a muffled giggle: "ME"

Good ones tink536,very funny.

Came across a web page with hundreds of witty one liners,Thought you may enjoy.

http://www.goodquotes.com/

Thanks for that link DSTM, hilarious stuff!!

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker
bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey,
you wanna hear a blondejoke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?" ¨The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters,"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

**

I had to call Technical Support the other day and had to respond to their question regarding my level of computer competency: Expert ~ intermediate ~ novice? I always respond with 'intermediate', but after reading the following responses, I think they should add one more category - lower than novice!

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: Um it's grey... nearly white.. ah yes its a PC

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ~ wait a minute..got it . .I hadn't inserted it...it's still on my desk... Sorry....

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: I don't know. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital or small letters?

A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Picture left out.
resimay - BLONDE LOOKING FOR A JOB - WHAT'RE THE CHANCES?

resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

---------------------------------


Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!

For sure not upto the family friendly standards of BC


A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

Good one. You can't help but love them,can you.

//Mod Edit to remove a copyright cartoon.

Sorry Fozzie

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Here is a funny story about misunderstandings.... http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/images/cyan.jpg

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I am in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe he'll buy me a diamond next time.

**

Teachers are paid too much! I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay teachers babysitting wages.
That's right. Instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour. And, I'm only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare.
Now how many children do they teach a day - maybe 20? That's $15.00 x 20 = 300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.)
What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master's degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That's $600 a day times 180 days. That's only $108,000.
Wait a minute! There is something wrong here...

I thought these were kind of funny:
Click on the Blue E

Page cannot be displayed

Doh!

Understanding Internet Explorer Security Settings

Tink,

Your tech support post #21 reminded me...

I worked as IT Trainer/HelpDesk for a while. After finishing one of those calls, all we could say was....

"Just turn up the user-brightness knob!"

(and no, we NEVER actually gave that advice to a caller.)

If only they had those knobs...

I'm not computer expert, but some of those things were so off the wall!

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS: Watch your dog!

Some vicious killer has been shooting dogs at random in the Valley!
Dogs are being picked off one at a time, and the numbers of deaths are mounting.

Police in the state advise all dog owners to

"Watch your Dog".
This photo came from a collie breeder in Glendale, a killer caught in a careless moment.
Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Jack Handey

Funny Doctor Names
* Dr. Waki Ho
* Dr. Donald Hemphill--(I wonder if he's started a farm in California?)
* Dr. Khan Do--Can do will do!
* Dr. William Sexauer
* Dr. Mohammed Behairy
* Dr. Charles Halfpenny--(An indication of inflation)
* Dr. Irving Bratt
* Dr. Michael Anger
* Dr. Duck Lim
* Dr. Owen Bloodgood
* Dr. Scott Oxenhandler
* Dr. Shawn Kidder
* Dr. Zachary Bloomgarten
* Dr. Jerome Kornfield
* Dr. Edwin Yellin--(Yellin' at who?)
* Dr. Si Yoo
* Dr. Samuel Grossberger
* Dr. Barton Tanenbaum--(O Tanenbaum! O Tanenbaum!)
* Dr. L. Douglas Pepper--(Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?)
* Dr. Seymour Weiner--(Yes, it's really pronounced "Weener" I used "Winer" and was corrected.)
* Dr. Theodore Dippy
* Dr. Roy Dippy--(Yup, there are two Dr. Dippy's)
* Dr. Flash Gordon
* Dr. Indiana Cruz
* Dr. Seymour Frankfurt
* Dr. Frank Staggers
* Dr. Bacon Moore
* Dr. Mehmet A. Okay
* Dr. Thomas Glasscock
* Dr. Long Vu
* Dr. Joseph Meek--(Bet he got beat up a lot as a kid!)
* Dr. Diane Nightengale--(DR??? I think she's the overachiever in the family.)
* Dr. Franklin Scarlett--(Franklin Scarlett, I don't give a ****!)
* Dr. Aleksander Livbleeps
* Dr. Diana Crook
* Dr. Harry Bear
* Dr. Andrea Blackburn-Brown
* Dr. Hugh Hallmark--(I guess he invented the get well greeting card.)
* Dr. Joy Steifel--(Funnier when read Steifel, Joy)
* Dr. Frank Coco
* Dr. Collin Herd--(Collin' a Herd of what?)
* Dr. James Busyhead
* Dr. C. Robert Crow
* Dr. Joseph Hurt
* Dr. Ninny Abraham
* Dr. Maurice Beer
* Dr. Felipe Bozzo
* Dr. David Figg


A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynaecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that." The woman went to see the gynaecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!" He then proceeded to examine her. "Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynaecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that." The woman went to see the gynaecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!" He then proceeded to examine her. "Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 females." He replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"

**

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms.
Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

**

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Those are funny, especially the pilots

Thought this one was hilarious as well.

Think of a letter between A and W.




Repeat it out loud as you scroll down




Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..




Think of an animal that begins with that letter.




Repeat it out loud as you scroll down




Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name




Almost there........




Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down




Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level




Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand




Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?





Of course not.......



Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Tink536,the fly joke is a Classic

Glad you guys liked them. I've got tons of jokes.

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

**

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.

good ones Tink, btw love the new avi !!

This one is for everyone who ...

a) has kids,

had kids,

c) was a kid,

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Good one Boopme.For a moment I imagined a bad taste in my mouth.
Your Jokes were excellent too tink536,Love the way the numbers were crunched.

Gross boopme!
I'm eating an ice cream sandwich and have a funny taste in my mouth!

sorry there Tink hope it wasn't Pistachio

Could have been worse tink536,At least it wasn't Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Neapolitan, thank God!


Double gross!

Seven degrees of blondness:

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: -,_ ,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- , _,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´ -., _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*

FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: -., _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*

FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: -., _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*

SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: -., _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

>Subject: Top 25 Country Western Songs of All Time
>
>25) Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
>
>24) I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
>
>23) If I Can't Be Number One, Then Number Two On You
>
>22) I Sold A Car to A Girl Who Stole My Guy, But It Don't Run So Good
>
>21) Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
>
>20) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>
>19) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
>
>18) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>
>17) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot You
>
>16) You Broke My Heart So I Broke Your Nose
>
>15) I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
>
>14) I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>
>13) I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>
>12) I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
>
>11) I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' On My Back in My Bed, and
Cryin'Over You
>
>10) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
>
>09) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love You
>
>08) My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
>
>07) Please Bypass This Heart
>
>06) She Got the Ring and I Got The Finger
>
>05) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
>
>04) You're the Reason Our Kids Are so Ugly
>
>03) Her Teeth Was Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
>
>02) She's Looking Better after Every Beer
>
>And the No. 1 Favorite Country Song:

>01) I Haven't Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With a
Few!