The Funny Bone Take 2 Options

[Scarlett]

Hello All

Welcome to The Funny Bone Take 2!

We all need a good now and again.

So please post any jokes here, that you would like to share with everyone.

The only guidelines are that they should be funny and above all family friendly.

Ok,.... so lets have some fun!

Link to the former "Funny Bone"

This post has been edited by Scarlett: Feb 2 2007, 03:58 PM

[tink536]

Tink,

Your tech support post #21 reminded me...

I worked as IT Trainer/HelpDesk for a while. After finishing one of those calls, all we could say was....

"Just turn up the user-brightness knob!"

(and no, we NEVER actually gave that advice to a caller.)

If only they had those knobs...

I'm not computer expert, but some of those things were so off the wall!

This post has been edited by tink536: Feb 18 2007, 04:22 AM

[tink536]

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS: Watch your dog!

Some vicious killer has been shooting dogs at random in the Valley!
Dogs are being picked off one at a time, and the numbers of deaths are mounting.

Police in the state advise all dog owners to

"Watch your Dog".
This photo came from a collie breeder in Glendale, a killer caught in a careless moment.
Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful.

[no one]

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Jack Handey

[fozzie]

Funny Doctor Names
* Dr. Waki Ho
* Dr. Donald Hemphill--(I wonder if he's started a farm in California?)
* Dr. Khan Do--Can do will do!
* Dr. William Sexauer
* Dr. Mohammed Behairy
* Dr. Charles Halfpenny--(An indication of inflation)
* Dr. Irving Bratt
* Dr. Michael Anger
* Dr. Duck Lim
* Dr. Owen Bloodgood
* Dr. Scott Oxenhandler
* Dr. Shawn Kidder
* Dr. Zachary Bloomgarten
* Dr. Jerome Kornfield
* Dr. Edwin Yellin--(Yellin' at who?)
* Dr. Si Yoo
* Dr. Samuel Grossberger
* Dr. Barton Tanenbaum--(O Tanenbaum! O Tanenbaum!)
* Dr. L. Douglas Pepper--(Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?)
* Dr. Seymour Weiner--(Yes, it's really pronounced "Weener" I used "Winer" and was corrected.)
* Dr. Theodore Dippy
* Dr. Roy Dippy--(Yup, there are two Dr. Dippy's)
* Dr. Flash Gordon
* Dr. Indiana Cruz
* Dr. Seymour Frankfurt
* Dr. Frank Staggers
* Dr. Bacon Moore
* Dr. Mehmet A. Okay
* Dr. Thomas Glasscock
* Dr. Long Vu
* Dr. Joseph Meek--(Bet he got beat up a lot as a kid!)
* Dr. Diane Nightengale--(DR??? I think she's the overachiever in the family.)
* Dr. Franklin Scarlett--(Franklin Scarlett, I don't give a ****!)
* Dr. Aleksander Livbleeps
* Dr. Diana Crook
* Dr. Harry Bear
* Dr. Andrea Blackburn-Brown
* Dr. Hugh Hallmark--(I guess he invented the get well greeting card.)
* Dr. Joy Steifel--(Funnier when read Steifel, Joy)
* Dr. Frank Coco
* Dr. Collin Herd--(Collin' a Herd of what?)
* Dr. James Busyhead
* Dr. C. Robert Crow
* Dr. Joseph Hurt
* Dr. Ninny Abraham
* Dr. Maurice Beer
* Dr. Felipe Bozzo
* Dr. David Figg


A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynaecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that." The woman went to see the gynaecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!" He then proceeded to examine her. "Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

[fozzie]

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynaecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that." The woman went to see the gynaecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!" He then proceeded to examine her. "Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

[tink536]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 females." He replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"

**

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms.
Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

**

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

[boopme]

Those are funny, especially the pilots

[fozzie]

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"

[tink536]

Thought this one was hilarious as well.

Think of a letter between A and W.




Repeat it out loud as you scroll down




Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..




Think of an animal that begins with that letter.




Repeat it out loud as you scroll down




Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name




Almost there........




Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down




Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level




Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand




Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?





Of course not.......



Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

[DSTM]

Tink536,the fly joke is a Classic

[tink536]

Glad you guys liked them. I've got tons of jokes.

[tink536]

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

**

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.

[boopme]

good ones Tink, btw love the new avi !!

This one is for everyone who ...

a) has kids,

had kids,

c) was a kid,

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[DSTM]

Good one Boopme.For a moment I imagined a bad taste in my mouth.
Your Jokes were excellent too tink536,Love the way the numbers were crunched.

[tink536]

Gross boopme!
I'm eating an ice cream sandwich and have a funny taste in my mouth!